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Night of the Shaven Yak -OR- Will Samson lose his power?

Posted by Papa, 18 April 2017 · 90 views

all the way back to wash out boot camp

The past couple of months have been just straight up loser denial.  I'm about to shave my head because I'm watching my hair leap off of my crown.  I've stayed at a stable 190 since I saw her.  I shed everything like a coat and am floating around at this weight for some reason.  Lilith and I agree that my new weight loss regime need only include thinking of this beautiful flower and feeling that twisting aching in my heart to shed off whatever I ate (or drank...) and simmer back down to 190.  I can ignore her slightly, but her face is burned into my mind.  Before I think, it goes through a filter of her face.  To ignore her is to invite the gods to toy with me.  I pick up a book I've never read and her name pops up.  The next night Lilith and I watch a movie and the female leads character is her name.  Before that night when I fell inescapably in love with her I could count the times I've even heard her name in my whole life on one hand.  I'm the kinda guy that will scare the crap out of someone by reciting per word what they said twenty years ago.  But since that night her name and face and stories that are obviously her and I over and over again are in everything I see and hear.
I love her so much that I know that I need her and it's rending my soul.
I've still been stuck in guitar mode mostly to get the feelings out somehow.  I've played better than I've ever been able to before, but I feel like everything is expression now and no practice.  I wrote a song, right after being able to play this way, for her.  I feel like she may never hear it.
I can try to fish through my programs but I just feel like everything is about her and for her.  I want her to be right here while I make art for her and I want her to make art with me.
The poetry is still coming out.  Odin himself assigned me this so nothing could strip poetry and guitar from me.  Well, maybe guitar...
To EL, though...
I'm not Jay Bear, so you know.  I'm not going to just whither away, and be aware, for whatever it's worth, that every beautiful woman who ever broke my heart (when I think upon the maidens, who I swore to love on high) blew up like a derigible and fed me a whimper en passant.
I would think you immune to this.  
I love you.
I have so many impossible things to tell you about.
Here is a poem that caught the attention of some well educated friends...
Galaxies Collide (and on a Wednesday)        by Jason Lee Caraway
You must love everyone
who ever did sing.
But, then choose one
who is everything.
To talk through an
unfathomed void, wide
of a world unseen
as a realm's flip side
As time's ascent, descent
has ways
of creating our
confuséd conversational
You will rise and fall
as the sun assured
and hang by tide
moon of every word
For even one word
from one another to be heard!
    I ask Lilith what I should do.  Should I give up?  "No!  I picture her here with you.  I see her coming to you one day!" 
She holds my heart in her hands when I sleep.  When you've been with someone for twenty years you know things.  She knows I'm absolutely genuine in my feelings.  It brings me great joy that my wife wishes us to be together.  I have images of a glorious wedding and a future with you.  My love who I may never see. 
You see I told Lilith long ago that she would put my ring on me to show me I'm her husband.  Years went by with the ring sitting, forged invincible with the names of my children and ones I'm eternally bound to (your name will be on there, too.), on the top of the book.  "Why do you never put my ring on me, Lilith?"
"Because, I forgot."
Please don't forget me EL.  I will never forget you. 

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I actually waited on chopping the braids.  I saw that palmetto was yielding.  I really feel like I'm just talking to myself all the time here. Having such great kids reminds me that something deeply hidden inside my DNA must not be a total loss. I've often thought that this situation I'm in here was just so hilariously stupid and wrong that it couldn't possibly be taken seriously. 


I'm just hanging here in limbo. 


What am I to do? 


Someone says to find someone else but this never had anything to do with not being happy with my friendship with my wife or that our lives need not be severed for me to be with you. 

How would it be that she found me and then I got to explain that I had to substitute her until there was a way? 


I don't know if I should just stop with this blog and try to ignore how I feel. 


It's like arguing with an all consuming fire that will get it's job done fast or slow. 


Where is my cool white kitten?   

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