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DoctorSpuds Reviews Things - Miner 2049'er (Tigervision)

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Posted Fri Jul 13, 2018 8:03 AM

Hooo boy! How did they get such a good game THIS stupendously wrong? The Miner 2049'er that was released on the Colecovision was fantastic whereas the version we got on the 2600 is rather legendary for it's inferiority for it's home computer and Colecovision counterparts. I saw this game cheap on Ebay and thought to myself 'why not?" and bought it... I put it in my 2600 and was immediately disappointing, this was nothing like what I was expecting, I'd played the Colecovision version and was expecting something different, and while I'm not opposed to differences between console releases I at least expect them to have a baseline of quality. Now this game was ported over to just about every major computer back in the day, I don't have any of these versions, but after looking through screenshots of most of then I have noticed that almost all of them, with the exception of the VIC-20, have one major difference to the 2600 version... they all look better.
While I know that the graphics are not end all be all to a game, especially when it comes to the 2600. This game just looks sad, Bounty Bob is a blue rectangle with a goofy little head and goofy little feet, and is that grey line on his head supposed to be his helmet? And the enemies... are those the spies from Apollo's Infiltrate, or the Sneakers from TCF's Fast Eddie? I suppose that this criticism could be applied to the other versions of the game but it's just so glaring here. The Iconic first level is gone, instead it has been replaced with the iconic second level, which due to something, which I shall address in the gameplay section, is nearly impossible to complete. The background is black... I which it wasn't but there is nothing I can do about that since all the versions had black backgrounds. Otherwise the platforms which you walk on are at least comparable to the other versions, but then again none of the other versions were overly complicated. My real sticking point is the collectibles, they look  extremely basic, I can barely figure out what they're supposed to represent... What is that a candy bar? A briefcase? A clothes iron? Some are obvious but others... you got me.
Sounds are fairly basic, there is a decent tune that plays at the beginning of the game, the walking sound is crunchy and satisfying. There is one sound that gets on my nerves though... and that's the jumping noise, it's high pitched and unpleasant to listen to. But here's the thing... you may end up hearing the jumping sound more often than the walking sound for one game breaking reason...
You move so slow, you move ridiculously slow, in the Colecovision version you're given thirty seconds to complete the first level, in the Atari version you get over six minutes. Here's the kicker... the only way to move faster is to jump everywhere, which means you're listening to that awful jumping noise. The main goal of this game is to walk over every inch of the stage, changing the girders to solid colors, you will have to also work your way around the little ghost dudes, who will take a life and reset the whole stage if you touch them, if you collect an item you will gain brief invincibility where you can destroy the ghost dudes and get on with the stage. If you moved faster I would have no qualms with any of this, I love the Colecovision version, it's one of my favorite games for the system. But this... here on the 2600 is just plain awful, if you make a single mistake then the entire stage is reset... all your progress is gone... if you accidentally slide down one of the many slides, it's over a minute to get back up to the top. This is a game for turtles, and I never want to play it again...
This game is awful... but the crazy thing is... this game got a sequel! And it fixed nothing, it's just as slow and here's the real kicker, it's over seventy bucks for a loose cartridge. This game sucks and deserves to banished to the Collector's Zone, I can think of no other place to throw it.


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