Abel M'Vada

I didn't have a lot of time this week for either Defending or Gyrussing (that's a word, right?) so here are my crappy scores along with my solemn promise to set aside plenty of time next week for Crystal Castling (and that is a word 'cause I looked it up). Defender - Game 8: 18750 Gyruss - Game 1: 69800

It's been a few years since I've played in the HSC, and now I remember why - pterodactyls make me nervous. Joust - Game 1: 42100

Jumping over barrels, it seems, is a game for the young. Here I am in my barrel jumping prime: ...and, well, you get the picture: Donkey Kong: 34000

What I want to know is who dumped all these goddamn bricks into the canyon to begin with? Canyon Bomber (Game 1): 316 Canyon Bomber (Game 7): 380

I'm blaming my low scores on tryptophan. Thanks a lot, turkey dinner. Pac-Man 4K: 8310 Seaweed Assault: 62 Dragon's Descent: 94

I don't know if any of you have been to Phoenix, Arizona, but I've heard that this game is an accurate depiction of the area. Phoenix: 26620

Significant - yet still pathetic - improvement. I couldn't hit the broad side of a womp rat with a rocket launcher. Star Wars: ROTJ Death Star Battle: 7780

Star Wars: ROTJ Death Star Battle: 710 The force is weak with this one. My favorite Star Wars character is called "George Lucas". If he had an Atari 2600 game it would be called "Galactic Gasbag". In the game, the player uses the keyboard controller to write a number of hackneyed screenplays, make a series of increasingly puzzling creative decisions, and inappropriately name-drop Joseph Campbell as often as possible, all while trying to avoid an agitated David Prowse on the sci-fi convention circuit. The game ends anytime an Ewok does comething "cute", a Jar-Jar does something "offensively racist" or whenever the angry Force-ghost of Annikin Skywalker bursts open your bloated neck pouch with the accumulated weight of your own pomposity.

Sky Diver (Game 3): 24 Spitfire Attack: 28500 Bermuda Triangle: 4600 Thunderground: 65270

You stink at it? I've been playing for days and this is the best score I can get. Centipede: 28722

I need more practice. Can someone loan me $6.98? Polaris: 9700

Frankenstein's Monster: 980 Halloween: 5175

Tutankham: 163 This is another one of those games I find nearly impossible to play, but looking at the scores I seem to be in the minority. Most of you are playing like Indiana Jones, while I'm like a low budget Raiders of the Lost Ark rip-off... ...and absolutely bloody no one wants to be Tennessee Buck.

O.K., Joes, let's do an equipment check before we get started: Land equipment: check Sea equipment: check Air equipment: check Life-like hair and beard: check Atari 2600 paddles: All right, which one of you sonsabitches forgot to pack the paddles? G.I. Joe: Cobra Strike: 1240

Next week I'm dropping acid before I play. Either my scores will improve or - oh wow, man, have you ever really looked at your joystick before? Frontline: 3600