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Star Trek 3... and beyond

Nathan Strum

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Since the Star Trek reboot seems intent on recycling old story elements for their films, I thought I'd help them out with a plot summary for the next one.

 

Okay… it starts out with a group of space hippies who steal Spock's brain.

 

Their society (which is based on ancient Rome) is under the control of an intelligent supercomputer named Landru (who talks like a 1930's gangster), and they need Spock's brain to build a weapon to defeat their enemies (space Nazis) on a neighboring planet. And the weapon they want to build? Why, a Doomsday Machine of course! But not just any Doomsday Machine - this is a giant, intelligent, living Doomsday Machine based on the DNA of a Tribble, so the more planets it eats, the more it reproduces.

 

Which brings us to the inevitable title: Star Trek - The Trouble With Doomsday Machines

 

That's right - this one's a comedy!

 

Audiences will be rolling in the aisles laughing at the wacky hi-jinks of these gigantic, terrible, fuzzy, purring, planet-destroying monstrosities. Special effects the likes of which have never been seen will keep viewers riveted in their seats as they watch entire planets full of billions of people destroyed in excruciating detail with more lens flares than can be counted, and the hilarious antics of Kirk and his crew as they try to stop them.

 

Mr. Spock: "Captain, sensors show this entire solar system has been destroyed. Nothing left but rubble and asteroids."

Capt. Kirk: "That's incredible. The star in this system is still intact. Only a Tribble could destroy like that."

Mr. Spock: "Nonetheless, Captain, sensors show nothing but debris where we charted seven planets last year."

 

Dr. McCoy: "Do you know what you get if you feed a doomsday machine too much?"

Capt. Kirk: "A fat doomsday machine?"

Dr. McCoy: "No. You get a whole bunch of hungry little doomsday machines."

Capt. Kirk: "Well, Bones, all I can suggest... is you open up a maternity ward. Or a mortuary."

 

Nilz Baris: There must be thousands of them."

Capt. Kirk: "Hundreds of thousands."

Spock: "1,771,561. That's assuming one doomsday machine, multiplying with an average litter of 10, producing a new generation every 12 hours over a period of three days."

Capt. Kirk: "And that's assuming that they got here three days ago."

Spock: "And allowing for the amount of planets consumed and the relative populations of them."

 

[Kirk takes a tray out of a food dispenser. Food and cup are covered with debris and body parts from decimated planets]

Capt. Kirk: "My chicken sandwich and coffee. This is my chicken sandwich and coffee!"

Spock: "Fascinating."

 

Dr. McCoy: [enters after Kirk gets covered with falling debris and body parts from decimated planets] "Jim! I think I've got it. All we have to do is quit feeding them. We quit feeding them, they stop breeding!"

Capt. Kirk: "Now he tells me."

 

As the entire galaxy is filled with Doomsday Machines and the universe is about to come to an end, Kirk and crew discover the Guardian of Forever, which enables them to travel back through time to put a stop to it before it starts.

 

They find a woman (oddly enough, still played by Joan Collins) responsible for whatever caused society to need to build Landru in the first place and Kirk falls in love with her. Just as they're all about to be executed by Klingons, she's attacked and killed by a Mugato (look it up), and since the Doomsday Machine was now never built in the first place, Spock's brain was never stolen, and Kirk's crew never traveled back in time, they all suddenly find themselves back on board the Enterprise completely unaware that anything ever happened.

 

Except for the fact...

 

... that they're now in the Mirror Universe!

 

Cue the fourth movie: Star Trek - All of our Yesterdays' Tomorrows

 

 

Dear Paramount,

 

You're welcome.

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Ha! Nice. I saw a comment today that called the reboots "Rock Band versions" of Star Trek.

 

For the record, I'm in the minority that thinks ST III is better than ST IV.

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Don't worry - I'm sure they'd re-cast Joan Collins.

 

Probably with Lady Gaga.

Either that or Lindsay Lohan. But it won't be Lindsay Lohan playing the character; it will be Lindsay Lohan playing Joan Collins playing the character.

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For the record, I'm in the minority that thinks ST III is better than ST IV.

 

Over the years I've found myself liking ST IV less than I used to. It all just seems too silly now. ST III has always had some good moments in it, and I think it gets unfairly dismissed because it didn't have as broad of an audience.

 

But that reminds me... I need to work evil space whales into the next reboot sequel. ;)

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"Star Trek IV: The One With The Whales" is the ST film that everybody knows, but it isn't my favorite. ST III is probably the most underrated of all the "original crew" films. It probably isn't my favorite, either, but I think both III and IV are better than "J.J. Abrams Trek."

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Nope - in fact I had to Google it to recall what it was about.

 

Completely preposterous concept. Really... Americans going back to the moon? ;)

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I was just watching Star Trek IV the other day, and well, the probe that speaks whale should be well on its way to Earth by now. It came from a distant unknown part of the galaxy, and I don't see how the destruction of Vulcan would affect its course. It looks like someone will eventually have to go back to Earth of the past to bring back some whales again. (And with Into Darkness altering the story arc, they won't have a Klingon ship they can cloak.)

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