Much fuss was raised about a year ago when the Large Hadron Collider was getting ready to activate and perform experiments. As many will know, its primary intended purpose was to orchestrate and monitor subatomic particle collisions in a controlled environment, with the ultimate goal of discovering the Higgs Boson: the only particle predicted by the Standard Model that has not yet been directly observed. Some feared that upon activation, the LHC would generate a black hole that could destroy the Earth, or possibly the entire universe. Several thickheaded scientists involved with the project did little to allay those fears when they suggested that the odds of that sort of calamity occurring were approximate to winning the lottery; as if to say that such a disaster would be a "lucky" thing, and that we would all be winners in such an event.

Much more likely is we'll discover the Graviton, figure out how to put it in a bomb, and things will proceed from there.

But none of that matters, because I'm here to tell you that I have ineffable proof that completely disrupts the Standard Model. Actually, what I have to say is unrelated to the Standard Model, because as an incomplete theory, it doesn't even attempt to explain the fundamental force which I have managed to discredit. But I digress.

Gravity has failed.

I have been trying to grow my hair out, because I've never had long hair in my life and I have always favored a medium length hairstyle for a male. It's never been this long before, and right now it's about six and a half inches. But it's not going down.

It's growing up. still.

My mother is English/Irish/Scottish, and the Irish appears to be winning out because she has long red hair. My father is half Japanese, and that seems to be the side he's inherited most of his genes from. He's got black hair (well, now it's greying, but you get the idea).

Apparently, these radically different hair-gene types do not blend well. Perhaps if one side had won outright, I'd be fine. But it seems on top of my head, my genetics fought to a stalemate. The result is a ghastly halfway point: Brown, wavy hair. Not straight. Not curly. And not even "nice" wavy - instead of soft rounded curves, my follicles literally bend at right angles at periodic lengths up the shaft. And none of them seem to want to bend in the same direction.

Multiply this unsightly mane by six and a half inches, and you may understand why my girlfriend has been nagging me to give in and get a haircut.

Now, when my hair is straightened, it actually looks the way I want it to, and I actually start to show my Japanese ancestry. But I'm not a girl. I can't use a straightener to save my life. My girlfriend has to do it, and she always manages to burn my ear. So it's not a regular thing for me to undertake.

A pickle, indeed. Gravity has let me down when I needed it the most. Never mind planetary atmosphere retention; I just want to be able to vary my hairstyle a little.

I shall be making the appropriate calls to the scientific community shortly.