DoctorSpuds

Jawbreaker was programmed by John Harris at Sierra specifically for Tigervision, he also programmed the Atari 8-bit version as well. I've played the Atari 8-bit version, the C64, and the Vic-20 version (Jawbreaker II) but still find myself preferring the 2600 version because the Commodore versions are frightfull, and the *-Bit version is basically Pac-Man but with more unpredictable ghosts and a different maze layout.

Anybody who grew up in the 1990’s remembers Tiger Electronics, the creators of numerous LCD games of varying quality, and of the Game Com. Tiger had a video game division that went by the name of Tigervision who ported many different games from different publishers onto the 2600 and the more popular home computers of the time, they are also responsible for the game I’m reviewing today. Jawbreaker was originally programmed by Sierra On-Line, but the job of porting it to the 2600 fell to Tigervision and I must say that they did an amazing job of it. This is a Pac-Man clone, plain and simple, but the simple fact that they managed to make Pac-Man original again is frankly incredible. You are a pair of green chompers chopping your way around nine horizontal rows of dots, the titular jawbreakers, that take the place of ghosts, will emerge from either side of the screen and move horizontally through the rows, as is standard in any Pac-Man game it is your job to collect all the dots. You may be asking however “where’s the maze? How do you avoid the jawbreakers?” Well the answer to that is simple; there are openings in every wall –with the exception of the topmost and bottommost walls- that constantly move back and forth allowing you to slip through the wall to evade pursuing ‘breakers or even slip behind one (Unlike in Pac-Man these guys will turn around). Of course there is a power pellet that appears every once in a while that makes you briefly invincible as is standard in all of these Pac-Man type games. Once you clear the screen a cutscene plays of your chompers gettin’ cleaned with a giant toothbrush because remember kids’ dental hygiene is important. Overall this is a fast fun game with fluid controls and gives you a perfect ‘one more time’ feeling right at the bottom of your soul. Sadly, Since this IS a Tigervision game the prices aren’t going to be very fair, I was lucky enough to find one of these in the wild for 20$, but on Ebay you’re looking at 30$ for the cheapest copy(they do come up for sale fairly often so you’ll probably find a good deal eventually) which is far too much, somebody is actually asking 99.95$ + shipping for loose copy, that’s just silly. This game is on the cusp of the Collector’s Zone, if you can find one for twenty bucks or less then I’d encourage you to get it, but any more is too much.

That's mainly because I don't like the conventional favorites all that much, yeah they're decently programmed and well thought out games that are truly iconic, but when you only hear about 5% of the total library there is so much that gets left out. Almost all of the 'best of' lists I've read contain games predominately from Atari and Activision, and if you're lucky there may be a game from Parker Brothers or Coleco, or maybe even Imagic but that's always Demon Attack or Atlantis. While all of the 'worst of' lists (with the exception of Deafsparrow's) are made up from the same few publishers, Data Age, Mythicon, Froggo, and Zimag, y'know, the ones that actually made bad games, but Atari made bad games too, so did Imagic, Coleco, and Activision, and they are all conpicuously missing from those 'worst of' lists. There's no middle ground it's all "here's the best of the system according to 1983" or "here's the worst games according to bill, our intern, who had an Atari when he was a kid", it's all the same games having the same facts being regurgitated about them over and over again. When I'm out of games to review, and believe me I'll break my rule and start reviewing games I don't own, and when I'm finally out of games then I'll review the classics, that's when I jump the shark.

Since I don’t normally post reviews on Mondays I decided to do something a little different. Instead of posting a review how about I put up a list of my personal favorite games on my personal favorite console the Atari 2600. These aren’t in any particular order; they are simply the games that have given me the most enjoyment during my time playing the 2600. There may be some titles that you think should be on this list, so please tell me your favorite games in the comment section. 20th Century Fox: Worm War 1: Any game where you can shoot worms gets a big thumbs up from me, add in two player co-op and you have a bona fide classic. Activision: Robot Tank: Graphics that can’t be beat and an arcade style that blows its counterpart Battlezone out of the water. KABOOM!: The eternal classic and quite possibly the best Paddle game ever programmed. Skiing: The only skiing game you should bother playing on the console. Smooth controls and endless replayability make this a must-have for any collection. Enduro: Avoid-it gameplay at its finest, you can while the day away playing this title alone. Apollo: Space Cavern: A simple shooter with variations out the wazoo, with addictive gameplay to boot. Atari: Haunted House: Take Adventure and make it spooky, what do you get? Haunted house, ‘nuff said. Desert Falcon: It’s more Zaxxon than Zaxxon, it’s a simple and somewhat repetitive shooter with a cool premise and smooth controller crunching gameplay. Dig Dug: One of the only ports of Dig Dug to do it right. Stellar graphics and addicting gameplay make Dig Dug a treat to play any day. Video Pinball: It may not be as polished as later pinball titles but you can’t deny that those are some of the greatest sound effects on the system, and the hypnotic gameplay keeps you pressing that reset switch over and over again. Solaris: The most technically impressive game on the 2600, it’s not just a pretty face however; it’s also one of the most enjoyable space shooters this side of Saturn. CBS: Wizard of Wor: Addictive in the best way possible, smooth gameplay and fair difficulty scaling make this one of the best arcade conversions on the system. Coleco: Front Line: An excellent top down run ‘n gun shooter with varied level designs, vehicles, and even a boss fight, a must have. Commavid: Room of Doom: Are you tuff enuff? Probably not... This hard as nails single screen shooter pits you against a growing number of trigger happy henchmen as you’re trapped with a bloodthirsty monster. Spiceware: Draconian: A near perfect conversion of the obscure Namco arcade game Bosconian, no need for the Atarivox since this game speaks to you right outta the box. Starpath: Communist Mutants from Space: if the name doesn’t win you over the gameplay will. This is the closest you’re gonna get to Galaga on the 2600, and while the graphics aren’t the best the gameplay surely is. Tigervision: Jawbreaker: Without a doubt one of the best Pac-man style games ever made, beware those roving jawbreakers they just might make your teeth fall out! Polaris: Do you like submarines? Do you like shooters and avoid-it type games? Because boy howdy this game has the best of both, just you watch out, those dive bombing jets have a nasty trick up their sleeve. Shout outs: These are games that really aren't as bad as people say they are. Karate (It's a fun mess with two players) Condor Attack (Which is cheaper: buying the Legit Ultravision cart, or buying a Supercharger and CMFS? Neither just get the T. Cooper UFO it's the same game.) E.T. (obviously) Pac-Man (Pac-Man is fun no matter how weird and broken it is) Sea Hunt (Just figure out the timing people it's not that hard) Cruise Missile (sometimes generic is better) Journey: Escape (Would you rather play Gauntlet?) Buck Rodgers: Planet of Zoom (The collision detection is a bit wonky but you can live with that, can't you?) Star Wars: Jedi Arena (Creative idea, you just need the manual) Alien (Some people actually don't like this game) Chase the Chuck Wagon (If it were cheaper of course) Sorcerer (There's nothing else like it, oh wait!) Bit Corporation: These guys are special, they are an anomaly wrapped in an enigma. Nobody really knows anything about them, who owned the company? who programmed their games? I don't know, do you know? If you do you'd better tell Albert or Wikipedia. Bit Corp released some of the prettiest games on the system but also some of the worst, here's a comprehensive list of which games are worth playing and which games are worth chucking, I'm not saying buying, just playing. Open Sesame/I Want My Mommy (Worth it) Phantom Tank/Tanks But No Tanks (Worth It) Bobby Is Going Home (Not worth it) Sea Monster (Currently on the fence, gimme some time) Dancing Plate/Dishaster (Fuck no) Snail Against Squirrel (Worth it) Mission 3000 A.D. (Not worth it) Space Robot (Not worth it) Mr. Postman (Worth it) Space Tunnel/ Cosmic Corridor (Not worth it) Well there you go, a list of some of my favorite 2600 games, and then some, tell me if there are any that you think should be on the list, but I must warn you, I have very unconventional tastes. Any game recommendations for future reviews will be appreciated as well, I know I’ve reviewed many of the games on this list, there are a few more seen above that are on the docket at the moment, so don’t be surprised if one the these games is tomorrows review.

Both of those are excellent choices, and cheap to boot, if you don't have it already you should go after a copy of G.I. Joe Cobra Strike, it's a unique game that really shakes things up when you have some friends over (3-player simultaneous play, one against two)

IT’S PADDLE TIME!!! If you ask me the Paddle is one of the most under-utilized controllers ever made, there just weren’t enough games made that use them, and even fewer actually used them to their fullest potential. Unfortunately the game we’re looking at today doesn’t use the Paddles in any new or interesting way; actually I don’t think I could classify any of this game as ‘new or interesting’ in fact it’s somewhat generic which is weird from a company like Imagic. Yeah this is an Imagic game, it’s also the only Imagic game that used the Paddles, which is rather unique, but I wouldn’t say that it utilizes the paddles ‘well’, it seems rather generic. Solar Storm was published in 1983, pretty much Imagic’s final year of operation, and I hate to say it but it kinda feels like it when I play the game, it all seems a bit rough around the edges, like a little bit more polish could have really made Solar Storm into an incredible game, but it feels like more effort was put into the box art than the actual game. Solar Storm looks and feels a lot like Astrosmash from Mattel; There are a bunch of enemies falling to earth and you’ve gotta shot ‘em before they get there, the enemy designs are at least fairly good looking and colorful, and there are a good few of them. The planet beneath your ship is wibbly and wobbly and is rather mesmerizing to look at, especially on an emulator, and the bars on the sides of the screen nove in a suitably fluid fashion. Unfortunately however much of the screen is black, and despite being in space there is no starfield to liven things up (yes we’re back to complaining about the lack of a good starfield, just like the old days), c’mon this is Imagic these guys were known for their amazing graphics I refuse to believe that a starfield was beyond them (I’m not a programmer so please educate me if I’m wrong). Even the second screen where you are an orbital gun platform circling the planet, in space, there are no stars it’s just a black void, call me crazy but I’m feeling a little disappointed right now. This game has one of the most juxtaposed soundtracks I’ve ever heard. Depending on how you play the game you’ll either be lulled to sleep or forced to mute the sound, this is all because of the firing sound. On its own the firing noise isn’t too bad, it a bit abrasive but tolerable, and the game’s ambient humming is a good counter to it. If you’re an aggressive player however and choose to simply mash the fire button constantly, your ears will be assailed by a keening wail from the firing sound effect bleeding into itself causing an awful ear splitting screech. I may be exaggerating somewhat but the noise truly is intolerable, sadly though spamming the fire button is the best way to play the game so get those mute buttons ready. Solar Storm is your standard move-around-the-bottom-of-the-screen-and-shoot-at-things game, seriously, with the exception of the orbital gun platform screen that lasts about ten seconds, that is all you’ll be doing. There are several different types of enemies but most act in a similar manner, some will come at you straight on, others will come at an angle, some will come at a very slight angle, I’m not going to go through all the different enemy names and behaviors since many of them are ostensibly the same except they move differently and are worth differing amounts of points. Some enemies will shoot at you, this is infuriating mainly due to how you shoot in this game, you don’t fire a projectile like in most games, in Solar Storm you shoot a laser beam that is simply a line of damage that appears instantly on the screen, both you and the enemies shoot this beam and it is both good and bad because of an inability to dodge it. They can’t dodge it and neither can you, and since enemies give no indication of when they’re firing you’ll be losing a lot of ships on the first wave. I have to mention though, that Solar Storm is far easier to play on actual hardware with an actual Paddle controller, sure you can use your mouse with Stella but it’s still not quite as fluid to control making the game far more difficult, just a little FYI for those who didn’t know. The second screen where you control the orbital gun platform is a ten second time waster that really didn’t need to be in the game at all, your gun platform can only be positioned at four different points around the planet completely negating the fluid movement of the Paddles. All you do in the second screen is try, and fail, to hit ships that are moving parallel to Earth, and just like in Atlantis you can’t aim so you’ll miss, and the ships will never pose a threat to you, ever. I know they were trying to break up the possible monotony with a bonus screen but this just doesn’t feel finished. Once you finish the bonus screen it’s back to what you were doing before, rinse and repeat forever. One rather cool thing I’ve neglected to mention up until this point is the heat system, you’ll notice on the sides of the screen those two bars, those are your heat meters, the more enemies that get past you the higher the heat gets and when it gets too high it’s game over. The problem however is that you’re more likely to lose all of your lives before the planet overheats since it takes so long to overheat the planet and the enemies move and shoot very erratically so it’s rather difficult to avoid them. Solar Storm is a simple shooter that just doesn’t live up to expectations or the price tag, yeah this is an expensive one. Since it’s a 1983 Imagic title it’s gonna be scalped to shit, I’m seeing loose cart listings on Ebay anywhere from 17.50$ to 80$ and boxed copies are listed for 80-180$ and believe me it ain’t worth any of that. I got lucky and got a boxed copy with no manual for 25$, which when considering the other prices up at the moment is pretty darn fair. Solar Storm goes to the Collector’s Zone for being a mediocre game that’s too damn expensive.

NO! PM me! I've been in need of one for a long time and Ebay ain't coughing one up for a good price!

Whoever programmed this game knocked it right out of the park since Mr. Postman is one of the most varied and interesting games I’ve ever played. When you look on the Atari Mania page for Mr. Postman you’ll see that it has been released by almost all of the cheap bootleg publishers out there, from Brazil to Australia and almost everywhere in between, this game has permeated the Atari 2600 library like a virus. I am unsure of who actually programmed this game originally, was it Bit Corp. or was it CCE? I really don’t know and when you’re this deep down the rabbit hole not knowing is a pretty common occurrence. I recently acquired a Taiwan Cooper variant from Venezuela and after only having played Mr. Postman on an emulator it was really a treat to play it on actual hardware with a real controller. Suffice to say I will enjoy reviewing this game considerably but before I get into that I must first transcribe what is written on the back as is customary at this point. Your mission is to protect the Mr. Postman Sending a secret letter safely to Silent City. To press the button is to make Mr. Postman should keep away from hails and the Eagle, or you press the button to shoot Down them. Mr. Postman can not touch the Wall as he is walking on the street, other- Wise all will be gone. Well that was a mess… This game reminds me very much of the graphical styling’s of Snail Vs. Squirrel, Bobby is going home, the PAL version of Open Sesame, and the PAL release of Dishaster/ Dancing Plates, so it’s very likely that this is indeed a Bit Corp. release ,since they really loved their bright, colorful, and detailed graphics over there. Right off the bat I have to point out a little problem with the graphics and this ties in with the box the game came in, the box shows a bird resembling a bald eagle dressed as a mailman delivering a hot pink letter but the game has you controlling a teddy bear, hmmm that doesn’t make sense, I’m getting flashbacks of Open Sesame. This game, apart from what I have already pointed out, looks vibrant and colorful, not to mention complex. Mr. Postman is a game in three screens, the playable and unskippable intro screen the main game screens, and the City of Silence. All the screens on display are bright and colorful and full of detail, it all feels very Bit Corp-esque. The only things that really jump out at me as ‘worth mentioning’ are the smoothness of the swinging vine on the intro screen and the very impressive and fluid lightning movement on the game screens, it truly is one of the most fluidly moving things I’ve ever seen on the 2600,it almost seems alive. This is a very musically inclined game; simply walking will have the game play a musical jingle. There are unique, but simple, melodies that play whenever you are either walking or climbing, there is also a simple tune that plays when you are hit by a projectile, and there is a slightly longer tune that plays when you complete the intro screen. The game screens are conspicuously lacking any musical accompaniment, apart from when you are hit of course, all you’ll hear are the sounds of the Postman shooting his gun into the sky. When you reach the City of Silence another tune start to play it sounds very much like the tune you hear when you complete the intro screen but that’s just me. As stated before Mr. Postman has three screens to it, the intro screen, the game screen which has three palette swaps, and the City of Silence, each has a very different play style to it so let’s start with the intro screen. The intro screen is probably the most unique part of the game; it’s also the most nonsensical. You must move the postman along the ground whilst avoiding projectiles from a giant eagle; you must then climb the wall, again while avoiding projectiles. Once you are at the top of the wall you must then jump to a swinging vine from which you must drop and land on top of the eagle’s head thereby allowing you to control it. From the intro screen you then move onto the game screens –I call them the ‘games’ screens since you spend most of the game on them- where you must shoot falling hail with your ‘gun’ as well as killer birds flying above the lightning shooting clouds. The killer birds pose absolutely no threat to you unlike what their name implies, the real killer on this screen is the hail and occasionally the lightning, but since it moves down the screen at a leisurely pace you can usually avoid it pretty well. The hail on the other hand is quite ruthless; it will fall from random locations near the top of the screen so I would recommend you get rid of all of it and then shoot down the birds. There are three game screens; each has an increased amount of hail and killer birds, when you shoot your way through those you will enter the City of Silence. To get past the city of silence you must simply navigate your way through the narrow corridors to the rainbow house on the other side of the screen, the City of Silence is oddly shaped like a butterfly for no particular reason. Once you get to the rainbow house you are dropped back at the intro screen to begin play one more time, but presumably at a higher difficulty. Mr. Postman is a weird and wonderful game that makes absolutely zero since the whole time you’re playing it; it’s an absolute fever dream. Unfortunately since this is one of THOSE games that are usually only available through sporadically appearing Ebay listings it’s a bit difficult to get a hold of. If you’re lucky you’ll be able to get one from Venezuela for about 13$ in box, but since nobody really knows how many of these are out there I would recommend snapping up any copy that shows up who knows when the well will dry up.

I am saddened by this game, since I can see a little glimmer of greatness in there but it is so masked by how garbage the rest of the experience is that it doesn’t really matter. Sssnake is an awful game that makes you feel awful when you play it and absolutely relieved when you turn it off. I’ll admit that this particular game is hard for me to review; it’s pretty well known that I do enjoy bad games, but those games are entertainingly bad, Sssnake is just… bad, so I’ll try to keep it brief (but we all know that’s not happening). This game looks like sadness incarnate. IT’S JUST A BUNCH OF RECTANGLES, and the manual tries so hard to convince you that they are but fails horribly “The red squares on your screen are barriers like bricks in the fortress walls, petrified trees, etc. You cannot shoot through them.” Great job guys at telling me exactly what they aren’t! The titular snakes are just a bunch of yellow squares (at this moment I am wildly, yet silently, gesticulating in an attempt to rationalize this visual information, and failing miserably.) The big game hunter you control is shaped like a diamond and the big game you’re supposedly hunting are just blobs with eyeholes, there are several different designs but all are just as vague and weird as the rest of the game, which is very. Sounds? You shoot, you hit and enemy, you die, they’re all the most basic beeps and krrsh’s available, there is nothing unique, nothing interesting and nothing that would denote and form of effort in any possible way. Imagine if Centipede and Stronghold and a demon baby, and there ya go its Sssnake. You are stuck in the center of the screen but are not allowed free movement in the space you have, you are stuck moving slowly around the edges of the empty space which makes avoiding anything impossible since you cannot dodge. The red squares will block your shots, which makes all but the first row of squares irrelevant since you won’t be hitting any of them since the first row does it all just fine. Your movement is not limited to a grid, so you can move smoothly and thereby shoot nothing but the red squares, also shooting the red squares makes the entire game speed up, and since your gun is on rapid fire accidentally shooting the bricks may cost you the game since hitting the constantly approaching snakes is impossible. The entire premise of the game is to shoot the big game while avoiding the snakes, the problem is you can’t really hit the snakes, and not hitting the snakes makes the snakes speed up and kill you faster, you can see how this isn’t fun, right? This game is shit, and not the enjoyable kind either, this game is just plain bad. Don’t buy this game, seriously, don’t do it. I’m not even going to tell you the prices for this game on Ebay, because as far as I’m concerned you shouldn’t even be able to give this game away for free. To the deepest depths of the Collector’s Zone for this game, the box art was the best part of the game an even that wasn’t very good. LET. IT. BURN.

You're too late for that one mate.

Entombed is… a game? I think it’s a game; it may not be though, maybe a tech demo, or something along those lines. If you’re looking for slapdash, cheap entertainment that may or may not be entertaining look no further than Entombed, brought to you by Quaker Oats. This game is light on the graphics, sounds, and gameplay, so I think I’ll just wrap this review up with a single paragraph. You move a vaguely person shaped object through a bunch of vertically scrolling ‘mazes’ that are rife with unavoidable dead-ends. You will see bars moving back and forth on your quest to boredom, you NEED to collect these since they will allow you to remove –or add- any block in the maze, but since the maze is simply mirrored a removed –or added- block will show up on the opposite side of the maze, because of effort. You will be pursued by mummies, I think, who will wander way too fast through the walls and pose no actual threat to you unless they appear from off-screen right in front of you. The first mazes are somewhat enjoyable but quickly get boring and frustrating as in the later mazes the screen moves too fast and the collision detection makes you stick to the walls like crippling debt sticks to your credit history. Without a doubt this is a pick-up and put-down game, it’s mildly enjoyable until you realize that it has nothing new to it, the first maze is like all the other mazes except slower and more boring. Entombed does have two player co-op, which may salvage it but I haven’t been able to test that hypothesis yet. If you are intent on buying this game for some inexplicable reason prices are tolerable at best starting at 5-ish dollars for a loose cart, and since this is U.S. Games the boxes are way too expensive at 30+ dollars for boxes of varying quality. Collector’s Zone for today, give this game a big ‘ol skip.

Aww c'mon, no critiques? No inspirational life advice? No quotes? I spent a whole ten minutes writing this review and I demand viewer participation

Even though I may have softened somewhat on Data Age as time has gone by it doesn’t mean I won’t still ridicule them for producing some awful titles, the three games that I would classify as ‘as bad as people say they are’ are as follows: Airlock, Warplock, and Bugs. Now, Bugs and I have a bit of a history together, in that it was the first Paddle game I bought, long before I actually had a set of Paddle controllers, so I got to look at it on my shelf for oh so long, and when I finally got my first- and only- set of Paddles, I felt lied to. I only had the cartridge, and would you just look at the art on it, it looks amazing, look at all the text at the bottom of the picture; I thought this would be Robot Tank meets Centipede, but boy was I in for a shock. Upon starting the game, you are shown a flat playing field with three long creatures stretching up beyond the horizon line, the immediate issue is that one of those creatures isn’t a bug it’s a lizard, immediately rendering the title of the game moot, the other creature is a weird worm/chain hybrid that may or may not actually be a bug, I just don’t know. When you press the button on the Paddle you are shown a fairly cool ‘space tunnel’ full of bright colors and then you are smacked in the face with displeasure, remember when my hopes and dreams for this game were destroyed, well it happened right at this moment. All the bugs do is rise slowly, or quickly, from beyond the horizon line, and that’s all they do. The only other graphical Item I haven’t mentioned is the Phalanx, but I’ll get to that bastard in the gameplay segment. This game has very few sounds to speak of, a very minimalist game to be sure when it’s lacking both graphics and sound (perhaps gameplay as well). When you start the game in the ‘space tunnel’ you’ll hear a somewhat labored engine noise as if you are traveling at great speeds (which you’re not). When the game starts you’ll hear a high pitched *ting* and then you will hear the ‘creepy crawly’ noise, it’s simply two notes going back and forth slowly rising in pitch, all you’ll hear after that are various beeps for firing your gun and getting destroyed. There is almost nothing meaningful to this game it’s just so shallow. Speaking of shallow, that’s the exact word I’d use to describe the gameplay. All you do is move your little cross shaped crosshair back and forth under the bugs and shoot them before they reach the top of the screen, the developers realized that the game would be too easy if they just left it like that though so they introduces the Phalanx, i.e. the thing you will lose all your lives to. When the Phalanx is appearing it will be indestructible, you can’t hurt it and it can’t hurt you, when it starts to move however… well you better not be on its right otherwise you’re a goner. How good are you at predictive positioning because you’d better hope that bastard intersects with one of your shots because if it touches your crosshair you’re losing a life, and since your shots will come from either the left or the right bottom corners of the screen do you’d better hope the shot is coming from the corner you want otherwise the shot will take too long to get to the Phalanx and is one life gone. This game is light on the graphics, light on the sounds, and light on the gameplay. You’ll do the same thing over and over while listening to the same thing over and over while looking at the same thing over and over. The game is either too easy or too challenging with nothing in between, the bugs have either no chance or you have no chance, the game simply feels unfinished and rushed. It’s games like this that collapsed the videogame market in ’83 and ’84 not Pac-Man or E.T.. Honestly the box art is the best thing about this game, and you know what that means, its Collector’s Zone for this bad boy, I’m not even going to tell you Ebay prices since if you ask me nobody should own this game.

Man I think you hit the nail on the head difficulty-wise, but man I keep getting my ass kicked on the arena, but that's mostly my fault since I keep thinking that hiding in the corners will keep me safe.

We’re back in Sega territory today, and the game of the day? Well, how about Congo Bongo? Sure that sounds good. Congo Bongo is a fairly blatant Donkey Kong ‘rip-off’, I only put rip-off in quotes because is almost every way Congo Bongo surpasses Donkey Kong. The original 1983 arcade had an isometric perspective coupled with beautiful graphics; the arcade still holds up today, it’s absolutely gorgeous. Sega took initiative and decided to port Congo Bongo to the major consoles of the time themselves, the only versions I have available to me through emulators are the Atari 2600, Commodore 64 (tape and disk), VIC-20, Intellivision, and Colecovision. Almost all of these versions have the same problem… they’re way too hard for avoidable reasons, for example to jump is barely long enough to clear any gaps so you have to wait until the last second to jump but if you’re a millisecond off you’ll fall to your death, or the hitboxes of the giant coconuts and of your little dude are very particular and by being anywhere near a coconut you’ll get hit, for being and isometric three dimensional game the hitboxes are surprisingly 2D. The only version that I think is forgiving enough to be playable AND fun is conveniently the 2600 version, so let’s just get on to that. This might just be one of the most graphically advanced games on the 2600, perhaps right behind Solaris, but for a non-red label game this might just be the best. The game actually manages to do a convincing representation of 3D on the 2600, so unlike Zaxxon Congo Bongo is actually isometric. Unlike Q*Bert, which also managed a 3D style perspective, Congo Bongo has everything solid and colored in and not relying of line of the same color alternating with black, like with what Q*Bert did. From what I’ve seen of the other games the first screen is accurate to the arcade, but the angle is off, the only two versions that actually had the correct ‘arcade’ angle is the Colecovision and C64 disk version, so I’m not going to whine about it. The sprite work is rather incredible, the level of animation on the hunter is on a level I’ve only seen from Xonox, and that is definitely one of the best gorillas on the 2600. Screen one isn’t static either; the water ripples and moves which is very nice touch. There is quite a bit of flicker between the falling coconuts and the pestering monkeys, but I’ll forgive that, the simple fact that the developers managed to cram so much into one screen on the 2600 of all things is just miraculous. But this isn’t the only screen, oh no, this game has three of them. Screen two, the Jungle River is a bit of a letdown when compared to the first, unlike with most all of the other versions, the Frogger style platforming screen is not in an isometric view, it seems they had to take a page from Zaxxon for this one. The view is top down with the hunter starting at the bottom and working his way up, all of the sprites are at least large, but most of them are very abstract, the only one I know for sure are the rainbow hippos but the rest are a complete mystery. Screen three is horrifically violent even by my standards (which are very high), you light Congo the Gorilla on fire… I read the manual and it says that it’s “play fire” and that “Congo can take the heat” but you just light a gorilla on fire, and that’s absolutely hilarious. This game doesn’t skimp on the music; there is a suitably catchy opening melody, as well as a constant jungle rhythm that plays in the background, there are a variety of beeps and boops when you’re jumping about the screens but none of them are ear grating or dangerous to your health so you should be fine. Musically inclined games are fairly rare on the 2600, so it’s nice to see a game of this overall quality getting treated well on all fronts. That’s all I have to say about that. Good looking games on the 2600 rarely have any substance to them, all of the effort went into making the game look as good as possible and not as fun as possible, that is not the case today. Congo Bongo is an incredibly fun game to play, it’s a standard avoid ‘em platformer much like Donkey Kong. You must navigate your hunter up the mountain, avoiding the falling coconuts, barrels need not apply here, you must jump over the precarious ledge before it crumbles beneath your feet, then there is the Monkey Plateau. These crazy chimps will hold on for dear life, and don’t even think about jumping the river with one of them on your back, you’ll sink like a rock. Once you’ve conquered the mountain you must then contend with the river, you’ll have to jump on lily pads, hippos, and giant fish, to make your way across, watch out the hippos and fish will boot you off if you stay on too long (whaddaya think they are? A Bloomin’ taxi service?). Once you get past the raging rhinos it’s off to get even and scorch that ape. This game has some of the most forgiving collision detection I’ve ever had the pleasure of experiencing, but it is rather random; most times you can walk right through the coconuts, which is good since they move fast and you don’t. The jumping is also a step up from the other versions, you are able to cross gaps with ease since you are able to jump so far, whereas in other versions you had to be pixel perfect or it was a life down the tube. If you thought the collision detection was forgiving in screen one… well screen two may just surprise you. This is where all your lives will be washed away, since you’re looking at this from a top-down perspective you can’t actually predict where your jump is gonna land, you’ll most likely undershoot or overshoot, thankfully you’re given plenty of lives to figure out the incredibly precise timing, it’s not a game-breaker but it does introduce a difficulty spike like no other. Also screen two has a habit of making the collision detection so erratic that you could be standing on water and nothing will happen but you could die standing on dry land, it’s a bit buggy. Overall this is a very fun game to listen to, look at, and play, sure the second screen is difficult and perhaps somewhat unfair but that doesn’t ruin my overall enjoyment of the game. Copies of this game are plentiful and cheap, you can easily find copies of Congo Bongo on Ebay for less than 10 dollars, but since this is a Sega game that means that the boxes are super expensive for no particular reason, the only boxed copy I can see on Ebay currently is sitting at 84$ buy it now, while you can get the game AND manual for 10$, it seems the box makes all of the difference. No Collector’s Zone today, let it pass.

Competition games are just the worst, because you know there were so many disappointed kids out there who wasted their money on the game hoping to win the grand prize and only getting a mediocre game instead. Name This Game is one of those disappointing competition games, and like many competition games before it the competition was never completed since the company folded before it could be finished. We’re now left with a nameless game, even though it has had multiple over the years when it was originally developed it was called Treasures of the Deep and when U.S. Games picked it up it was called Guardians of Treasure , It was sold in Europe as Octopus. The best, and final, name it was given in what I think was a little jab at the company was Goin’ Under a not so subtle jab at U.S. Games eventual fate. You can call the game whatever you want though, there’s nothing stopping you from calling it something like… uh… ‘Sharkman and Squidboy Slay Scuba Sam’ no, that was awful, alliteration is so last century. Whatever, I’m not good at thinking up titles for things on the fly. This is a rather pretty game, I know that might be rather odd to hear but this game really is quite good looking. Almost all of the sprites are large and distinguishable, and have little details that would normally be forgotten in other games, for example, the scuba dude has goggles on, little bubble coming from his tank, and his harpoon gun has a barb on the end, he could have simple been something along the lines of what you’re given in Shark Attack/Lochjaw but the programmers went a little step further. The boat changes color beneath the water changing from a burgundy to a light purple, and the dude driving the boat is clearly having the time of their life what with their hair blowing majestically through the wind. The only thing that I think could have been improved upon is the treasure sprite, it looks like a big piece of poo, it’s even the right color. The octopus/squid is blocky yes, but it’s huge, and seeing all of those little tentacle squares wave around the screen without any flicker is quite incredible, he’s also just very happy to be here, just look at that smile. Also that is the best shark I’ve seen on the 2600, his jaws move and his tail wiggles, a real step up from Sea Hunt or Shark Attack, I can see why this was originally marketed to Parker Brothers as a Jaws game, though I don’t see why they’d have the shark in the game be more animated than the one in the movie. Also I would recommend letting the shark get to the bottom of the screen at least once, the animation that plays is suitably funny. This is a rather musically inclined game, the opening tune is suitably swashbuckling, and imparts decent sense of adventure it also doesn’t make my ears bleed. There is a little victory tune whenever you finish a round it does make me feel victorious so I guess it has worked as a victory tune. Otherwise most of the sounds are beeps and boops as is standard on the 2600, but the game does use the whooshing noises well, to indicate your little scuba dude getting air from the surface. There is very little else otherwise apart from the death noise which like the animation that plays, is suitably funny. This is another one of those move-around-the-bottom-of-the-screen-and-shoot-things games, but it actually uses an original concept for once. Instead of shooting ships in space, you’re battling off an invasive squid and an aggressive shark. The squid’s tentacles slowly move toward the bottom of the screen in an attempt to snatch away the treasure you’re protecting, while the shark just wants lunch. If the squid gets one of its tentacles all the way to the bottom of the screen your scuba dude will be obscured by ink and some of the treasure will be missing. You have a limited amount of oxygen, what with you being at the bottom of the sea and all, that’s where our extremely happy friend in the boat comes in; periodically they’ll drop an oxygen line for you to replenish your stores with. The higher your score gets and the more rounds you beat, the faster the squid will drop tentacles and the faster the shark will move back and forth down the screen, the difficulty does scale well and if you’re not particularly good at predictive positioning you’ll have challenging time, but I think a good one nonetheless. Name this game is one of U.S. Games’ best games, it’s fun, it’s challenging, it’s cheap… You can probably find a copy in the wild for less than 5$ but if you can’t then you can find loose copies on Ebay for less than 10$. I would recommend against purchasing a boxed copy since U.S. Games are one of the more frequently scalped companies on the system, but if you’re determined then you can find boxed copies of varying quality from 40-100$.

This game is unhealthy for my wallet.