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Found 7 results

  1. When I talk about being tempered to my wife I am reminded of the whacks, whippings, terrors, slaps, bullying, heartbreaking that leads you to accept pain (my childhood is getting written. 'sall there is to it.). I've had a wrongly prescribed amount of medicine drop me on the ground night after night with every muscle cramping at once in the fetal position crying out for weeks. All she could do was help to pry me open and hold me. I was soaking wet after pre-sanitation cleanup (Jane Fonda workout from hell with guys in hazmats waiting and the clock ticking to sterilize the processing plant) and after her helping to peel off the clothes it always started with quaking from the legs up. That may be the sprinkles on the cheesecake that was the hell of my work history. I say to Lilith that if I have to get away from it all permanently (to Eva too, I guess), don't blame yourself. I say it would be like saying I ended it all over the sprinkles on the cheesecake. What I mean to say is that we've all been tempered to a degree. She's been through at least as much hell and more. We've trained with each other, out drank, out argued, out fought, out stabbed-in-the-back each other enough to be thoroughly tempered like swords (especially our words). So she's (Buttons) got all these candy attack teeth that pulse and hate on her and she goes in finally to get yankings. She knows that it needs to be now with the best coverage and she can't go under because of pregnancy. So she has them localize and handles it like all six children I've had with her, like all the pain, tears, headaches, unbearable pleasures. Like it was natural and over before it started. She said the hardest part was hearing the crunch of her roots snapping free. I'm sure, like with all of those kids, there wasn't likely the slightest whimper. She kept the teeth in a bag and showed the little golden robots (now napping). We're talking about having six teeth pulled with only a local and coming home after nary a half hour and now (after helping deal with kids and eat and everything), is purring like a kitten with two ice packs on each cheek. Some wisdom teeth nonetheless. Lilith is awesome.
  2. Papa

    ...all Stations!!

    From the album: Custom Arcade

    No one can string my bow (because I play a stringed instrument with a pick). No one can fire my arrowhead (pick), through my twelve axe handles. I am Ulysses

    © Jay "Papa" Caraway 2017

  3. SO... I'm doing what I can to block out things. It's impossible. I mock myself thinking I could just decide to stop thinking about Eva. Then, of course, over the past two days, the torment comes down like it does every day. I ask Lilith how the gods will torture me today. How will I see Eva today? Since I first saw her face her name keeps popping up everywhere like a fake Matrix flag trying to wake me up. This is happening in a maddening, nearly impossible (I would say statistically impossible) way where her name and face are woven into everything around me. I lie down the first night, after I fell in love, and right in front of my face is where my daughter Phoebe wrote all over a pink dresser. Things like "Happy", "Enjoy", and "Birthday" and "everyday"!! My head lines right up with the 'eve', slightly separated from the rest of the word. My eyes widen and I see that there is a place where paint was peeled off the side of the dresser in the shape of her silhouette just like one of her avatars. I weep and weep. This was the beginning of weeping every night, every morning, and much of the day. Now, and since (although forcibly curbing the weeping down to a minimum), it's been nothing but Eve, Evalynne, Hebe, and any other goddess, statue, picture, character, actress, it really doesn't matter. It's all Eva and it's not going away, and it's supernatural. I posted my metal demo with the threefold hopes of A) being found as a talented musician who creates original music, B) finding solace in approaching a like community as I veer from programming, C) impress Eva into responding in some way at all. The first response is a woman from cam-girl sites saying "I Love you. Did you see the video I made for you?". I begin shaking like a leaf and my heart is pounding in my chest. It's a link to a site for finding wives!?! I was like, "Is this her trying to communicate finally?". I join the communities that it links too and realize that it's probably, like my life, just another joke against me by entities bent on my destruction (they do it in the most molasses slow way as to extrapolate the most agony and totally damn themselves in the process). Then Lilith and I sit to watch a movie. The Bride. I've never seen it before. In my mind I see some 'Carrie'-like blood bath movie from the seventies. I was wrong. It's about me being a fucking monster and Eva being the most beautiful thing in the world and how we're meant to be together in this effacing tragedy. She is named 'Eva'. I wrote this a long, long time ago. It was to be the first page of my poem book... Catch by Jason 'Papa' Caraway Don't put me down. Don't put me down. The pages you've found are for your sight and sound. Don't close the cover. Don't turn around. Dig so much deeper; find out what you found. A book is a book and a word is a word and you look down and see it and speak, so it's heard. So it has sight and sound, oh, this book you have found, and the words become yours; to your heart they are bound. I love you Eva. Please come to me. Please talk to me. Please be real.
  4. So... The past couple of months have been just straight up loser denial. I'm about to shave my head because I'm watching my hair leap off of my crown. I've stayed at a stable 190 since I saw her. I shed everything like a coat and am floating around at this weight for some reason. Lilith and I agree that my new weight loss regime need only include thinking of this beautiful flower and feeling that twisting aching in my heart to shed off whatever I ate (or drank...) and simmer back down to 190. I can ignore her slightly, but her face is burned into my mind. Before I think, it goes through a filter of her face. To ignore her is to invite the gods to toy with me. I pick up a book I've never read and her name pops up. The next night Lilith and I watch a movie and the female leads character is her name. Before that night when I fell inescapably in love with her I could count the times I've even heard her name in my whole life on one hand. I'm the kinda guy that will scare the crap out of someone by reciting per word what they said twenty years ago. But since that night her name and face and stories that are obviously her and I over and over again are in everything I see and hear. I love her so much that I know that I need her and it's rending my soul. I've still been stuck in guitar mode mostly to get the feelings out somehow. I've played better than I've ever been able to before, but I feel like everything is expression now and no practice. I wrote a song, right after being able to play this way, for her. I feel like she may never hear it. I can try to fish through my programs but I just feel like everything is about her and for her. I want her to be right here while I make art for her and I want her to make art with me. The poetry is still coming out. Odin himself assigned me this so nothing could strip poetry and guitar from me. Well, maybe guitar... To EL, though... I'm not Jay Bear, so you know. I'm not going to just whither away, and be aware, for whatever it's worth, that every beautiful woman who ever broke my heart (when I think upon the maidens, who I swore to love on high) blew up like a derigible and fed me a whimper en passant. I would think you immune to this. I love you. I have so many impossible things to tell you about. Here is a poem that caught the attention of some well educated friends... Galaxies Collide (and on a Wednesday) by Jason Lee Caraway You must love everyone who ever did sing. But, then choose one who is everything. To talk through an unfathomed void, wide of a world unseen as a realm's flip side As time's ascent, descent has ways of creating our confuséd conversational haze You will rise and fall as the sun assured and hang by tide moon of every word For even one word from one another to be heard! I ask Lilith what I should do. Should I give up? "No! I picture her here with you. I see her coming to you one day!" She holds my heart in her hands when I sleep. When you've been with someone for twenty years you know things. She knows I'm absolutely genuine in my feelings. It brings me great joy that my wife wishes us to be together. I have images of a glorious wedding and a future with you. My love who I may never see. You see I told Lilith long ago that she would put my ring on me to show me I'm her husband. Years went by with the ring sitting, forged invincible with the names of my children and ones I'm eternally bound to (your name will be on there, too.), on the top of the book. "Why do you never put my ring on me, Lilith?" "Because, I forgot." Please don't forget me EL. I will never forget you.
  5. Scott Adams is a familiar name in the TI community, outside of this community one could mix him up with the other Scott Adams who writes comic strips about Dilbert and although they are both story tellers in some way our Scott is not just a story teller but an expert coder and creator of the adventure style games. Scott Adams, the genius behind many Text adventure games was brought up in Miami Florida. In 1975 he wrote a computer game on a computer that his brother Richard built a year before, making him the first person on earth to write a computer game on a home computer. The full story of how Richard came to build this machine, well before Steve Wozniac built Apple 1 can be read in great detail in the link below: http://exoticsciences.com/sa.htm The following is a writeup given to me directly from Scott Adams himself. At first I intended to polish it up but then I realised that this in itself is a part of history that should remain as intact as possible. "I grew up in North Miami Beach and always had a love for science, I remember as a child in the early 60s going on a tour of the University of Miami and seeing the computer science department and waiting to go inside. I was active in local science fairs and won some awards as well as being written up in articles in the newspaper. IN high school as an experiment the state of Florida allowed one remote terminal in our high school math lab to the U of M mainframe and it was running APL/360. My first major program was tic tac toe that would always win. I would go into school before it opened and had permission to be let in by the janitors and after school I would stay until late, locking up the school behind me. My brother build from chip slice cpus a homebrew computer which I then programmed in machine language a game for (more info on my webpage on a sidebar on this). I also had the first ever Sphere computer homekit which I then proceeded to mod with a my own designed graphics card and wrote a tank war game for. I won the first ever “what do you use your Sphere for” contest with the company. I was working at Stromberg Carlson in lake Mary Fl as a software engineer when I purchased my first “appliance” computer, ie a computer I didn’t have to build to use J I wanted to learn the BASIC language on it and thought the concept of strings was interesting so I wanted to write a game that let you use English language somehow. At work the IT dept got a copy of Crowther and Woods Adventure! And I was able to get a password to play it. I came in all week before work ad stayed at night to play until I beat it. I decided I want to write a similar game for my TRS-80 model I. Other engineers there laughed at me and said this was running on the mainframe and my toy computer could never handle it. I ended up invented my own language which I emulated in BASIC and wrote my first Adventure game. Before Stromberg, I got my degree in Computer Science for Florida Institute of Technology (now known as Florida Tech). I worked downrange on the Air Force Eastern Test Range as a Space Object Identifier Analyst at radar stations. But there was a mainframe there and I loved to program so I got permission to make some major mods to the software they were using even though I wasn’t hired as a programmer. I got a number of commendations for some things I did. At one radar station on Antigua Island they only ran it for the day shift, so I was able to use the machine in the evenings for myself. I got a copy of a Fortran Star Trek game that played on the teletype. I then proceed to covert it to run on the radar screens instead and in effect turned the multi-millionaire dollar radar tracking station into a giant video game J great fun. Return to Pirates Island was written in my own proprietary database adventure language like all my adventure games. I wrote them on one machine then transferred the databases to other machines to execute. RTPI was special in it was originally only for the TI and also was the world’s first adventure game to have graphics in a game cartridge. I also developed a special program to be able to get the graphics to fit. Instead of graphical compression as used today I came up with making the pictures of pieces of other pictures and then having an artist make this picture based on these smaller pieces. It ran very fast but was very labor intensive for the poor artist as you might imagine." I thank Scott for sending me this small Bio. He is a very humble and inspiring person, one who gave us many hours of entertainment and made our world a little better.
  6. I need some help on a project i'm working on, which would be making an old "Combat" cart into a different cart... Now don't worry, I'm not doing this to resell it as a "Super Rare" Game, just as a kind of title credit to a short film i'm working on. Steps including template for printing? Pasting the printed image on the cart (Best bonding solution, that won't bleed through)
  7. Hello!, I just got myself an Atari 520STFM and I am very excited about what I can do with it and all its features. I am aware of a book called 1001 things to do with your Atari ST which has all sorts of fun things to do with an Atari ST, but does anyone know where I could find a PDF or E Book version of this book online? Thanks for reading
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