Things I learned from Atari...

[Kenwood]

Things I learned from Atari...

 

•Never let a bat see your keys.

•There is no problem that cannot be overcome by force.

•If it moves, DESTROY IT!

•Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.

•One lone “good guy” can defeat an infinite number of “bad guys”.

•Make sure you eat all food lying on the ground.

•You can break things and get away with it.

•You can push other vehicles off the road and get away with it.

•If someone dies, they disappear.

•If you get mad enough, you can fight even better.

•You can operate all weapons without training.

•No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.

•Death is reversible (only for you!)

•Ninjas are common and frequently fight in public.

•Whenever big fat mean guys are about to croak, they begin flashing red or yellow.

•You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.

•All women wear revealing clothing and have great bodies.

•Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was bad.

•Don’t worry if your vehicles crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.

•A thousand-to-one odds against you is NOT a problem.

•Frogs can't swim

•If you get to the edge of known space, you wrap around to the other side

•One cannot dodge obstacles by getting beside them

•Lasers can't hurt freindlies, unless you are shooting in a maze.

•Fruit and other food is always helpful, be it as bonus points or as a weapon.

•There are no nice robots

•All Gorillas must be at the top of something

[DeadlyDiskKun]

I have seen a poster that said most of that.

[mbd30]

If you move far enough in a single direction in a given location you'll wrap around to the other side.

 

EDIT: Crap, I didn't notice that was already on the list.

Edited July 15, 2009 by mbd30

[Herbarius]

The afterlife is just the last thing you saw before death, with alternating colors and total silence for all eternity.

[Lord Thag]

Pressing reset makes everything better

 

Tripping over logs prevents you from scoring

 

Chickens cannot move left or right, only forward (and into traffic)

 

Aliens only invade in block formations

 

Bomber pilots always die first.

 

If you can't find your phone, it's in a pit nearby.

 

If you need to get through a wall, hire an astronaut with a tennis racket

 

[Thomas Jentzsch]

There is sound in space. Lots of it!

You can refuel on-the-fly.

Everybody can jump on crocodiles. And turtles.

All scorpions live in the underground.

There is always a beautiful sunset.

Only you can open or close anything. Especially doors!

You can shoot shots. Or dodge them!

Two gears are enough. Or one.

Curbs prevent you from going off-road. 100% reliably!

There is always radar when you need it.

You are always the best looking one around.

[retrorussell]

Dragons, once thought to resemble giant lizards, look more like ducks.

Fireballs, though they are living, moving entities, cannot climb ladders.

Doing weird or suicidal things can tell you who made the game.

Even if there's a lower level directly below it, falling into a pitfall makes you disappear within it.

Scorpions are really freakin' big!

A crocodile's mouth is bottomless.

Getting your tank shot by the enemy's tank is not fatal, but makes you spin repeatedly.

Getting a strike or spare in bowling makes you hyperactive.

Ghosts have eyes that constantly move in all directions, yet they have no problem pursuing you through a maze.

When trying to recover documents in a room full of elevators, watch out for giant Fry Guys.

Falling down one stair is fatal if you are a Smurf.

A bad-ass basketball opponent is reduced to a puppet when you wield a second controller.

[Dauber]

- Under certain circumstances, yellow dragons are afraid of keys.

- There's never-ending stagecoach traffic out west.

- If you play volleyball long enough, a shark will swim by.

- If you're a good enough pole vaulter, not only will you have the privilege of using an expandable crossbar thingy, but you'll also be able to levitate backwards.

- Don't try to go two directions at once or you'll just walk right through a wall.

- Being chased by someone who wants to hurt you? Go into the entrance at the same time the chaser is going into the entrance at the other end.

- If you don't do what you're supposed to do for a while, the room's color scheme will get really weird.

- If you jump off a tall structure just as a snake is about to pounce on you, you won't die.

[Vic George 2K3]

What I learned from Atari...

 

It's only a game!!!

[Godzilla]

that main list in the first post is on a t-shirt I have called 'things I learned from video games' are there any big fat mean guys on the 2600 that flash red or yellow when about to croak?

[retrorussell]

A tennis ball hit with the very tip of your racket is unreturnable.

Barrels look like giant honeycombs.

The atmospheric pressure in space is so great that a shield will be crushed within seconds.

It is physically possible to jump in the air while in a kneeling position.

Falling seemingly fatal distances can result in merely the loss of points.

Collecting gold changes your theme music.

Shopping malls are home to wayward toy planes, ghost-riding shopping carts, bouncing balls, and other odd dangers.

The world is full of hidden pits for aliens to fall in.

In the future, humanoids will look like tic tacs.

After 100 punches, a boxer will be knocked out.

Colliding with a moving automobile is never fatal to a chicken; it just knocks it backwards.

Bombers perpetually scowl unless something blows up.

When your fuel supply is at maximum, destroy fuel stations.

Angus cattle never move.

[pinball22]

Shopping malls are home to wayward toy planes, ghost-riding shopping carts, bouncing balls, and other odd dangers.

 

I always thought the radios were the strangest... they're awfully big compared to your guy, and why is it that radios are dangerous, anyway?

[jrok]

Alien military academies have some pretty unimaginative teachers.

If you accidentally shoot food, a spooky, disembodied voice will scold you for it.

If there are more than four objects in a room, you will probably get eaten by a dragon.

Crocodiles can only bite up.

[Red 5]

Atari games are a lot like life. There is no winning. It just gets harder and faster until you die.

[retrorussell]

Shopping malls are home to wayward toy planes, ghost-riding shopping carts, bouncing balls, and other odd dangers.

 

I always thought the radios were the strangest... they're awfully big compared to your guy, and why is it that radios are dangerous, anyway?

Is that what they are? I couldn't tell. Good old Atari 2600 graphics, love 'em or leave 'em.

[pinball22]

Is that what they are? I couldn't tell. Good old Atari 2600 graphics, love 'em or leave 'em.

 

Yep. If you look at the pic in the manual where it tells you what everything is, they're described as "cathedral radios".

[BDW]

Atari games are a lot like life. There is no winning. It just gets harder and faster until you die.

 

Never thought of it that way

[BigO]

"•All women wear revealing clothing and have great bodies." From Atari, you learned this?

My, that's some imagination you have.

[monzamess]

Atari games are a lot like life. There is no winning. It just gets harder and faster until you die.

 

Did you make that up just now? How true. ROFLMAO.

[retrorussell]

Is that what they are? I couldn't tell. Good old Atari 2600 graphics, love 'em or leave 'em.

 

Yep. If you look at the pic in the manual where it tells you what everything is, they're described as "cathedral radios".

Wow.. that makes even less sense!

[monzamess]

Is that what they are? I couldn't tell. Good old Atari 2600 graphics, love 'em or leave 'em.

 

Yep. If you look at the pic in the manual where it tells you what everything is, they're described as "cathedral radios".

Wow.. that makes even less sense!

 

 

The game is based on the Keystone Cops, a comedy movie series from the early 1900s. Radios were big then. Example:

[retrorussell]

Is that what they are? I couldn't tell. Good old Atari 2600 graphics, love 'em or leave 'em.

 

Yep. If you look at the pic in the manual where it tells you what everything is, they're described as "cathedral radios".

Wow.. that makes even less sense!

 

 

The game is based on the Keystone Cops, a comedy movie series from the early 1900s. Radios were big then. Example:

I see.. well, I still couldn't have figured it out from the Atari graphics.

That's another thing we learned from Atari.. giant old radios are dangerous!

[Herbarius]

That would make a nice little pong console with builtin monitor... Don't you see it?

[Godzilla]

still want to know about the flashing fatties all over the 2600 landscape

[retrorussell]

That would make a nice little pong console with builtin monitor... Don't you see it?

Yeah, actually.. big dial controls would be a natural fit. And the woodgrain mini-cab would be a nice retro touch!

Some other things I learned from Atari..

 

If you don't like the rubber grip on the joystick, it comes right off!

Sega Genesis controllers work just fine on the Atari 2600.

Radioactive walls and floors are common in the depths of mine shafts.

Tripping is good strategy in 2-on-2 hockey.

Flying over and destroying the same set of 3 tanks over and over again is pretty damn boring.