Flojomojo #1 Posted March 13, 2003 http://www.theonion.com/onion3909/adulthood_spent.html Adulthood Spent Satisfying Childhood Desires CANTON, OH—Jeffrey Riesman, 29, an account manager at Tri-Trust Insurance, has spent the last 10 years satisfying desires not sufficiently fulfilled during childhood, sources reported Tuesday. Above: Taking a break from his Atari 2600, Riesman enjoys a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Above: Taking a break from his Atari 2600, Riesman enjoys a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. "I just bought a mint-in-box Six Million Dollar Man Bionic Transport and Repair Station off eBay for just under $100," Riesman said Tuesday. "All I need is an Oscar Goldman, and I'll have the complete Bionic toy series." According to roommate Nate Kenniff, 28, Riesman's need to indulge childhood desires is reflected in everything from his toy collection to his diet. "We tried shopping for groceries together when I first moved in, but that didn't work," Kenniff said. "He'll go to Costco and buy box after box of Fruity Pebbles, Boo Berry, and Quisp. Whenever I suggest we get some Wheat Chex or something a little less sweet, he just rolls his eyes and calls my cereal choices 'lame.'" Kenniff said Riesman spends an average of six hours a night watching TV. "I like TV as much as the next guy, but Jeff takes it to extremes," Kenniff said. "And it's not like he's watching quality stuff. He'll stay up for an all-night Scooby Doo marathon. Have you tried watching Scooby Doo lately? It's not as good as you might remember it." Riesman also owns more than 500 DVDs, many of which are collections of cartoons he loved as a boy or such forbidden films from his adolescence as Porky's, Private School, and Hot Resort. When Riesman isn't watching TV or DVDs, he's usually playing one of the 200-plus games he has purchased for his vintage Atari 2600 game console. "I had Atari when I was a kid, but my mom always made me wait until I was done with my homework to play," Riesman said. "Now, as soon as I come home from the office, I can settle in and play Yars' Revenge until dawn, and she can't say anything about it." Added Riesman: "I'm thinking about picking up a second game system, like maybe a Colecovision or Intellivision. Why not? They're only like 50 bucks. I make almost $30,000 a year. Why deprive myself?" Another area in which Riesman's youthful indulgence manifests itself is his bedtime. Despite having a job that requires him to be at the office at 8 a.m., he refuses to go to sleep before 3. "When Jeff and I were living together, he'd always stay up way after I went to sleep," said Carla Green, Riesman's ex-girlfriend. "I'd say 'Come to bed,' and he'd always snap back that he's an adult and can stay up as late as he wants. I have no clue what that was about." According to noted psychotherapist Dr. Howard Blum, Riesman suffers from a condition known as Chronic Unfulfilled Desire Syndrome, which affects a person's ability to let go of childhood fixations and embrace maturity. "Some people are never able to overcome CUDS—it can't be medicated," Blum said. "The only thing an afflicted individual can do is try to curb those youthful desires while still in their twenties and pray they aren't still pursuing them at 45. There's nothing sadder than a middle-aged Pez-dispenser collector." 1 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Warren #2 Posted March 13, 2003 I used to love the MicroNauts action figures. Second grade would have been so dull without them. *sigh* :wink: 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Godzilla #3 Posted March 13, 2003 ROFL that picture is great too. Hey, if it weren't for CUDS there would be no Atari Age :-) 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lemmi #4 Posted March 13, 2003 "The only thing an afflicted individual can do is try to curb those youthful desires while still in their twenties and pray they aren't still pursuing them at 45. There's nothing sadder than a middle-aged Pez-dispenser collector." AHHHHHH hahahahahaha Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cassidy Nolen #5 Posted March 13, 2003 Dude, I am proud of that. Turds that reject their childhood are nuts. It was way too fun to forget! Cassidy Nutty Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Godzilla #6 Posted March 13, 2003 I had one of those working here, real wanker. filled the network with viruses and then he was 'escorted out. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
+Cafeman #7 Posted March 13, 2003 I used to love the MicroNauts action figures. Second grade would have been so dull without them. *sigh* :wink: Me too. Did you know they have recently been re-released? Not selling well though. Devil's Due (Image comics) has also started up a new Micronauts comic book, up to issue #6 now, with a Karza miniseries just started. FYI! Oh, the article hit the nail on the head for me. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Room 34 #8 Posted March 13, 2003 It's the picture with that story that kills me... Outlaw displayed prominently on the TV screen! (That sure doesn't look like a 2600 controller on his lap though!) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sku_u #9 Posted March 13, 2003 ROFL "There's nothing more pathetic than a 45 year old pex dispenser collector" I wonder what collector inspector would say about that comment. The Onion is always entertaining. They really outdid themselves this time Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheSmirk #10 Posted March 13, 2003 The Onion is great! Funny stuff! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maibock #11 Posted March 13, 2003 "When Jeff and I were living together, he'd always stay up way after I went to sleep," said Carla Green, Riesman's ex-girlfriend. "I'd say 'Come to bed,' and he'd always snap back that he's an adult and can stay up as late as he wants. I have no clue what that was about." lol!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chrisbid #12 Posted March 13, 2003 its all about cocoa puffs Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Atariman #13 Posted March 13, 2003 I think I'll be pretty happy if I'm still collecting Atari games when I'm 45. And nobody is gonna take away my fruity pebbles, dammit!!!! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mock #14 Posted March 13, 2003 32 and still going strong...in fact, if all goes well...I'll be playing college football in 2004...ROFLMAO. I don't get old, just older. Mock Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cryptik76 #15 Posted March 13, 2003 Wow, that would explain why last year I bought an Atari Lynx and keep expanding my collection. When I was in Junior High I always wanted a Lynx and couldn't afford one, but I can now! I also still have all my M.U.S.C.L.E. figures, if anyone remembers those. I'm hoping that with the new cartoon series they'll finally be worth something. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Godzilla #16 Posted March 13, 2003 I dont know what Id do without cinnamon toast crunch, and those graham cracker cereals. if only they had free atari games in them :-) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MegaManFan #17 Posted March 13, 2003 The Onion's always funny until it's talking about you. All things considered I'm not vexed about it. Even if that wasn't a spoof and that's how the Onion's writers genuinely feel, let them call me sad all they want. They're not going to change my love of classic gaming one bit. Just today I got an Intellivoice, Night Stalker, and a ColecoVision Frogger in trade. Yayyy ME! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flojomojo #18 Posted March 13, 2003 The Onion's always funny until it's talking about you. My thoughts exactly. And that's a Playstation 2 controller in his hand, with a stack of modern games behind him. Aside from the bit about the Scooby-Doo marathon, it could have been about me. And everyone else posting here ... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PeeknPoke #19 Posted March 13, 2003 its very funny, and very true. I know one of the reasons i collect video game stuff is just because as a kid i couldnt afford every system, but now i can. ...and i can stay up til any time, ha ha Lee Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Edit_5 #20 Posted March 13, 2003 Wow this is like my life lol... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rob Mitchell #21 Posted March 13, 2003 According to noted psychotherapist Dr. Howard Blum, Riesman suffers from a condition known as Chronic Unfulfilled Desire Syndrome, which affects a person's ability to let go of childhood fixations and embrace maturity. Pure nonsense! This CUDS is not in the DSM Psychiatric manual of diagnoses! And a Google search reveals no references to this! It is fringe if at best! Kinda like the opposite end of the pop psych seasaw from the "inner child" nonsense of 10 years ago! Remember? Nuture your inner child workshops of the early 1990s! So the onion article is parody if anything at all! Rob Mitchell, Atlanta, GA Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chrisbid #22 Posted March 13, 2003 So the onion article is parody if anything at all! Rob Mitchell, Atlanta, GA um, yeah, isnt that what the onion does? case in point Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smf_4ever #23 Posted March 13, 2003 HE HE HE Well.. My Wife just offered me her Darth Vader pez despeser she has somewhere for me "Be a total loser that you could be".. ain't love great.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Swingtown #24 Posted March 13, 2003 Aside from the bit about the Scooby-Doo marathon, it could have been about me. And everyone else posting here ... Sad thing is the Scooby marathon would fit me perfectly, I am obsessed with that show...lol Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
djdsl #25 Posted March 13, 2003 mmmmm. satire is good food Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
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