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DoctorSpuds Reviews Things - Bachelor Party (Mystique)

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Dammit Mystique! I thought I took you behind the utility shed and put a slug through your miserable skull a long time ago. As it turns out I’m a fool, Mystique never dies, it is a zombie of a company, shuffling around and vomiting its wares into any store that would take it. Mystique! What do you have to say for yourself? “It’s a joke?” My boy, this isn’t 2015 YouTube anymore that shit won’t fly, it didn’t fly in 1982, and it sure as shit doesn’t fly now, that being said I don’t care. Bachelor Party had long eluded me as the final game I need to complete the Mystique trilogy of Adult games and I wish I could say that I just found this one on Ebay but I actually forgot about reviewing it for a solid month until I remembered I had it prominently displayed on my shelf and was completely ignoring it. I really wish I had a clever segue to transition to the bulk of the review but this came is just sapping the life from me.

Behold depravity thy name is Bachelor Party. The graphics on display here are actually quite inferior to the games that came before and after it. I’ll admit that Mystique usually did a good job when it came to the graphics in their games; they’re usually complex and colorful but Bachelor Party is only colorful. The game consists of only three main graphical elements, the bachelor, the lovely ladies, and the paddle. You’ll be able to figure out what the lumpy blob the is supposed to be the bachelor is without much complex thought, the lovely ladies are strange messes of pixels that look like graphical corruption and the paddle requires the manual to figure out what it is. The rest of the visuals are just colorful borders, the life counter, the score counter, and the Mystique logo, this is seriously a graphically lacking game.

If there’s one thing the programmers didn’t skimp on it was the music, actually I wouldn’t be surprised if more space was dedicated to the sound rather than to the graphics. When starting the game you’ll be treated to a short but well done rendition of Auld Lang Syne. When you start bopping your bachelor around, like a big bubbly balloon, you’ll be treated to 1.5 seconds of Flight of the Bumblebee and when you ‘score’ with a gal you’ll hear that all too familiar Charge. The sounds aren’t actually all that bad it’s a pity then that they’re attached to this train wreck of a game.

Normally I’d start with an overview of the game premise but Bachelor Party is pretty self explanatory and besides I’d rather talk shit about it instead. This is the perfect example of how not to make a Pong/Breakout game, starting with the paddle. The paddle is too tall and too narrow when compared to the size of the object you’re hitting around, the paddle is about half the height of the bachelor. You’d think having a large object is a good thing and makes the game easier but it actually has the opposite effect and makes the game incredibly difficult to play since you have absolutely no room for error when positioning the paddle and too many times I started the game and just missed the bachelor without even hitting him once. Since the paddle is so narrow it is incredibly difficult to influence the direction of the bachelor, unlike in Pong or Breakout where hitting certain sections of the paddle will make the ball rebound at a different angle, if you’re lucky the bachelor will hit all the ladies in a row otherwise you’ll be stuck on a loop for the rest of the game. The second game variation is probably the most fun you’ll have in the game, two rows of ladies slowly advance toward the left of the screen and you just have to hit as many as you can before they vanish and a new row appears. Due to the changing position of the ladies you’ll be rebounding at different angles constantly which means you won’t get stuck in endless loops, but that still doesn’t save the game from being absolutely terrible to play.

This game just doesn’t work, you cannot have a Breakout style game where the ball is twice the size of the paddle, actually you can’t have a Breakout style game where the ball is as big as the targets it’s trying to hit. In both concept and execution Bachelor Party fails miserably, and I’m not even taking into account that this is an adult game; just in general this game is absolute trash. Both Beat ‘em & Eat ‘em and Custer’s Revenge had some element of challenge and difficulty, they could actually be classified as games, I do not think Bachelor Party is a game and I will not classify it as such, it is a mess and nothing more. Do not buy this thing, I will not even quote a price for it I think so lowly of it, get this trash out of my sight.

Also the paddle is called a Spanish Fly in the manual and according to Urban Dictionary ‘Spanish Fly’ is a “Aphrodisiacal elixr made from the crushed body parts of the blister beetles Cantharis vesicatoria or Lytta vesicatoria. Purported to arouse those that ingest it. Toxic in large quantities.” Great visual Metaphor guys.


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