The answer, my friends, is none of the above. A big steaming plate of yak poo is a step up from this thing, lemme tell ya. HOLY FRIGGIN' CRAP does this thing suck on a trans-galactic scale! I mean, we're not talking Jakks sucky, or even nes-on-a-chip famiclone/flashback sucky. Hell no! No, those are more like purgatory. The Hyperscan is HELL. HELL I tell you! My lord, what sick idiot let this thing out the door? I'll grant the packaging is pretty nice, and the ergonomics of the console's design are fairly pleasing. Unfortunately, however, the controller looks (and feels) like it was designed by dyslexic pygmy marmots spun out on LSD. And the games! It comes packed with this 'x-men' fighting 'game'. Yessir, it does. Says so on the box, even.
Now, by fighting, we don't mean actual combat. No, we mean beating your head against the wall because you have to wait upwards of twenty seconds BETWEEN EACH FIGHT (not each game, each ROUND) while the blasted thing loads. Yeah, think xbox morrowind every minute or so. Now, I might almost be willing to forgive this travesty if the system was loading something, well, pleasingly game-like. Once you scan your character in (and you MUST have the character card to even play that character), and wait until next month for it to load, you are greeted by....
Imagine a CD-I. Remember those awful things? Now imagine this was a very bad CD-I and it decided to rape a Jaguar Fight for Life cart which had genetic abnormalities. Imagine the Jaggy cart gave birth to a fighting game so disgusting that it screamed in horror, and tried to strangle the hiddeous thing and threw it down the sewer. Imagine this freakish, twitchy, god-awful avatar of wretchedness actually survived in this new land of urine and feces and was raised by a family of mutant Maggoty Banana Slugs that taught it the secret art of Shaq-Fu. Got that?
This game is worse.
The animation makes the original Mortal Kombat look like a disney film by comparison. Now imagine the 'X-men' characters each have one (and only one) spoken line of dialogue, and that each line was lovingly recorded by Little Richard during a snowstorm on a twenty year old tape deck. Imagine the Mattel execs came up with great lines like 'you are weak like unwashed leiderhozen' (sp).
No joke. That's a direct quote. Thank's Nightcrawler. Then imagine that the game moves as slowly as a bowel movement at the local rest home pizza night, and that all of this nail biting action is accompanied by a thrilling soundtrack of ... weird noise. Kinda like a kid randomly poking keys on a '80s electronic Casio keyboard with the reverb setting on. Now, imagine that you have a vast repetoire of fighting moves like 'punch', 'kick', 'really slow punch', and 'suck ass'. The game has a ton of strategy though. Yeah, you are constantly forced to choose between randomly mashing a button (I'm partial to 'really slow punch') or gouging your eyes out with the controller. The second option becomes more appealing as time wears on.
Hands down, this is the worst game system I have ever played. It's worse than the CD-I. Its worse than the Game.Com and it's worse than the R-Zone(!). Hell, I'd rather play my APF or RCA Studio II than this travesty. Seriously. Stay very, very far away.
Now, on the good side, the thing does have a USB port on the back, so it's possible it could become a cool homebrew system (the specs are not all that bad on paper.) Maybe one of the other games will not suck. Who knows? I'll tell you what I know. Someday, when I'm sitting in my giant, planet destroying space cruiser, having conquered the known galaxy, my enemies will play the Mattel Hyperscan. And they will weep.
Oh yes, they will weep.
Edited by Lord Thag, Fri Oct 6, 2006 3:29 AM.