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shadow460

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  1. shadow460

    3 million gil!

    By shadow460,

    So I've completed the first storyline events in Rocket Town and Wutai, and am sailing the high seas in the Tiny Bronco. I was able to master not one but TWO Enemy-All materia shortly thereafter. I sold them both and purchased Villa Cloud and 99 of every single use item available.
     
    My first serious combo is assembled: Lightning + Enemy-All + HP and MP Absorb. Vincent is making great use of this to build up his kill count. Cait Sith hasn't been used yet, save for the botched Lost Number fight, and Cid is still in the smoke pit. Vincent gained his level two and three limit breaks very quickly using an Enemy Skill materia, now he's got that combo.
     
    My first master materia was Chocobo Lure. Now I have some mastered Restore materia, a master Cover materia, and many others one level below master. The life 2 spell is available on two different materia--very handy! The party has nine Rune Armlets should I decide to go into mass materia raising mode, as well as having nine of the other armlets available in Bone Village.
     
    Right now, it's running overnight while Cloud blows a million Gil on the sumo wrestling game. I will never run out of GP again, AND I'll be able to buy the big prizes later on! Hopefully it'll let me get three XP Plus materia, one for each character.
  2. shadow460
    And some have them. With the ability to play movies, CDs, games, even save your progress to a memory device, kick around PC files, and play karaoke, what more could one ask for? Oh, and it's got a headphone out jack, too. It also has optical output jacks, so that means it's not a Genesis. Besides, the Genesis ain't big even with the CD and the mushroom.
     
    That leaves the PS2, right? lol, wrong.
     
    Today I realized that I had never, ever, listened to any CDs on my LaserActive. I figured what the heck, you know a CD is just a tiny laserdisc without the video, so why not give one a spin? I listened at first through the small sound system I have hooked up to it, the I thought I might wanna try it straight off the LA unit itself. Unfortunately, the volume control on the headphone jack produces a TON of static when I adjust it. It needs to be cleaned like a paddle controller, I guess.
     
    Sound? It's kinda "thick" if you ask me. I'm used to a crisp, clean treble response and it's definitely not here. Bass response is good, and everything sounds clear. It's not going to win any awards for "best CD player", but it does get the job done.
    It has an option for CD-G, too.
    I spun up the Columbia House release of "Open Up and Say Ahh!" by Poison, and I also spun up the Mobile Fidelity Sound Lab disc of "Heart". I chose those two because I expect that they were both produced during the time the loudness war was beginning, but I expect an MSFL release to retain its full dynamic range. Right now, "Heart" is still playing on track 8, which is the remix of "Nothin' At All". The LA unit does not hide a little think sound and I almost daresay there's some tape hiss in there that its leaving intact. Of course, if you don't like tape hiss, you don't buy MSFL CDs, it's as simple as that. It really does sound like a new cassette being played in a well maintained, high quality tape deck with the Dolby B active. There's no distortion of any kind at all.
     
    I wonder if the Sega pack has anything to do with the sound. I know it's awesome on Genesis games. I don't have a way to search discs without the Sega pack since I have no AAA batteries to power the standard remote that came with the LA.
     
    One thing that surprised me is that with the Sega pack, a blue screen shows up while a CD plays. Without it, the screen is black.
  3. shadow460
    October 1983:
    "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
    "Son, she's not coming home. She passed away in the hospital last night."
     
    Ten years later, summer 1993:
     
    I was running with my training division in boot camp, and I fell behind. The task was to run one mile at a speed set by a drill instructor. The pace was perhaps fast enough to run the mile in ten minutes or so. Two fellow soldiers wrapped a towel around me and pulled me along--all I had to do was bear my own weight. I didn't actually have to put any drive into my steps. I screamed for them to let me go.
    Maybe this was the beginning of what's going on in my life. Maybe this was the beginning of my "problems". Maybe this 17 year old boy couldn't make it to the end because he'd lost his mommy almost ten years ago.
     
    Not long after that, our company entered a command wide track meet. I was entered into a four man relay race. Each person's stretch was short--less than half a mile. That meant that sprinting would play a major role in the team's performance. I remember beginning the sprint too early. Thought I thought I was going to die, I sprinted under full power to the next man. I do not remember how we finished, but I believe overall my company finished in the top three. I was made a part of that because people believe in my effort to correct my difficulty on the track.
    That same year I did not pass the final physical test to graduate boot camp. I did, however, exceed the fleet standards and was allowed to graduate about a week behind my company. Once again, someone, somewhere, believed that I could, and did, correct my deficiency. They believed in me.
     
    Years later I wonder what that deficiency is. I sit at home, I have no job right now. I've been unemployed for the longest period in my life, and my actions are threatening what income my wife and I have left. In boot camp, I nearly failed the entire company of 83 people. They still put me into critical positions, and after I joined the fleet, I was put into vital roles there as well. I saved my ship a mine hit with the help of two other people. That could have saved thousands of lives alone. The responsibility of providing electricity to the entire ship fell on my shoulders more than once. I was part of the fire party that extinguished burning diesel generator while the ship was floating almost dead in the water.
     
    What makes a person trust someone like me with that much responsibility? Why can a person who can save a multi million dollar aircraft carrier not be able to take care of his own wife? Is it Gulf War sickness? Did they still have that going around in 1996? Did something I encountered while in the Navy (besides domestic problems) affect me in this way and program me to have trouble later in life?
     
    If five thousand people were able to depend on me without even knowing who I was, how can it be that I'm not sure if one person to whom I've tried to reveal everything will believe in me? How can I not be sure of that when I know that two people depended on me when the electrical shop caught on fire? How can I be so uncertain about my future now when I stood there on a huge Navy base four hours south of DC on 9/11 thinking Al Quaida was going to hand my @$$ to me? I survived that, but why can't I survive the everyday trouble of married life?
     
    I believe that my daddy holds the key to some of what I'm going through. He probably doesn't know that I think that way. Heck, I could be totally wrong about it. He just tells me that he doesn't know what to tell me. He's honest, but I hope he doesn't take this information to his grave.
    I have a brother who's two years older than me. He was sitting on the floor next to me when we got the news of our mother. He's still single. Although he's been in some serious relationships, he's never tied the knot.
    Why are we different, then? Does that two years between eight and ten make that much difference in someone's development? Or was it because, like many couples, each parent chooses a kid and I was Mama's boy?
     
    How much damage will I do to another life? I can assure that some kinds of damage won't be done: Physical damage won't be done, and I'm not the kind to purposely swear or yell at someone. But that doesn't rule out all kinds of damage, though. Will we wind up on the street? How much are we going to have to draw from other people? I know we are going to need help--heck if I caved to the idea that I was sick just the medical expenses alone would crush the finances of two families that make what we'd be making if both of use were employed.
    On top of that, one of the people who took me to the hospital doesn't really think much of the place where I was taken, and doesn't trust their judgement. Oh, joy!
     
    Still, I keep pressing forward to finish the race. I run faster, and I cry out when my friends have to carry me. I still remember how hard I fought those two men who carried me that day. I still remember how hard I tried after that, and how much it hurt me physically. I still have physical scars from it, too, and it affects the way I walk even today. I gave it my absolute best shot, and my body is permanently damaged because of that. I can wear those scars like badges that honor my determination. I also remember the two men who carried me during that one mile run. One was a stocky black man who was our company master at arms, and the other was a tall, lanky white guy who was going into the Seabees' construction program. I remember the master at arms telling me to keep going, don't stop, or "we're going to drag you."
    Even though I have cried out from the pain, I hope my friends are willing to drag me if necessary. I was awakened yesterday to the fact that I can't just alienate them any more than I could have willed my fellow soldiers away that morning, either.
     
    I guess if the past is any indication, then the people who are carrying me today will fight to my own death to keep me going. On my right I believe my God is encouraging me to carry on, to keep going and never give up. On my left is my wife, perhaps not knowing what to say, but still giving out full support and never letting go of her side of that old white towel that's probably still what they are carrying me with.
     
    Out of 83 people, I'd say more than half of them wanted me to pass boot camp. I do not know how many people there are out there who want me to complete a full life.
    My daddy may know what the probability is that I will give in to my emotional problems. No, on the other hand, those emotional problems will give in to me.
  4. shadow460
    Well, I have had soething tougher than computer troubles just shoved into my face. I found out that the roommate I'd been trusting with over 200 a month in rent has not been faithful to pay said rent. I believe the roommate is passing my money to the landlord, but not adding enough to make the full payment with their half included.
    We're over $300 behind on rent, which is well over half of what we pay, and I had no idea that this was going on.
    I'd had problems with both roommates not paying bills. They would not pay for the phone/internet, and they would not pay for electricity. They always told me "Oh, I'll pay you when I get the money," and I'd never get paid anything. So I finally assigned one roommate to collect rent from everyone and turn it in when it is due. I told both of them that if the utility bills, which were in my name only, were not paid when rent came due, I'd subtract the balacne of the utilites from my part of the rent payment. This worked for about a year, until they started coming to me for the reaminder of the rent, or simply not paying anything at all, leaving me to wonder what the **** I was going to do about the eviction notice.
    One of those roomates moved out. I told him flatly he was either going to pay up or be escorted out (and to the jail) by our local police. He wasn't on the lease, so that gave me a little extra leverage with him.
    The other one is on the lease--a woman of almost 55. There's nothing going on--trust me. Who would want that? Besides, I'm only 30.
    She was the one assigned to collect and pay rent. I found out today that she has, on average, left $30 each month unpaid since November, well before the one roommate left.
    She refuses to get a regular job. She had some good ones, all of which she quit, and is now "working" in a beauty shop making little over $100 a week, and doing who knows what with the rest.
    I came home, my paycheck cashed and money in hand, yesterday, to find an eviction notice. I then saw red. I was two seconds from handing over my share of our rent, when I saw that thing.
    I was still PO'ed this morning when I left, too. She'd left $65 unpaid from last month, which is almost exactly what I had to withhold to cover utility bills.
     
    She's been using one of my computers to talk to her daughter, whom she has not seen very often since birth (roughly 20 years).
    I pulled the network cable from that computer this morning because I was so angry over yesterday. I also filed a 30 day notice to vacate, effective Monday, so I gotta move by the 7th of June. My roommate informed me she was putting in her notice to move tomorrow, which leaves her as the last tenant here, and thus fully responsible for damages to the apartment, unpaid rent, the whole nine yards, unless she can prove in court that I owe money for any of that (which I don't). Typically when roommates move out, the last roommate has the resposibility of collecting payments for damages, final rent, etc. from the others when they move out. Since her cats have torn the walls apart around here, I've known for a long time that I needed to not be the last one here, and I will be released from this place at least two days before she is. I have a place to go, too, if I cannot find my own. I do not plan on helping at all with rent in June, and I plan to get this internet connection terminated, along with the telephone. I can log on after hours at work, or during lunch.
     
    Anyway, long story short, she must really have wanted to tell me she'd paid her share of the rent this month. She accused me of cutting her internet service off, slandered my to several neighbors (who didn't listen), her own daughter (whom I'll tell to shut the blank up if she ever says anything to me about this), and who knows how many others. Then she demanded I fix my own computer! I ripped the computer from its desk and walked away with it, wires still attatched. I also tried my hardest to smash the keyboard this afternoon.
     
    Ten minutes after I got home (about 10:30 PM tonight), she cornered me between two large pieces of furniture, and made physical contact with my face. She did not hit or swing at me in any way, but she was holding something (I think it was a payment reciept) so close to my eyes that her hands were on my face.
    I'm not violent (fortunately), but if pushed, I will defend myself. I called the police.
     
    This roommate has photos and files on that computer that are very valuable to her. The computer is set up and working without internet service, right where it originally was. Before I found out what she'd done while I was gone (slandering me), I did tell her, calmly, that I was gonna leave the computer there and were were gonna think things out before we made any decisions.
    Now I find out she had planned this little acid trip the whole day. She instead took one of the stupidest risks I can imagine (cornering a 215 pound person that she doesn't know very well). That's why I called the cops. I did it from the neighbors' house. They didn't come out (no one was hurt), but did give me some advice. I've blocked my bedroom door with a rather large keyboard amp. I also hauled in my six cell maglite. I'm gonna be asleep for a few hours, and I don't want no nasty surprises wakin' me up. You can tell I'm still po'ed, cuz' now my accent's a kickin' in.
    I'm facin' a termination charge from the phone company, and movin' to a new apartment in this complex (talked to the manager 'bout it today) which'll cost me a hundred and fifty more a month ('cuz I don't have the roommate to help out).
    Anyway, that's my blog fer now. Roommate finally lets up when she realizes I got the upper hand without bein' violent (told her I was gonna delete all her precious data within 30 minutes, and told her I'd beat her to the 30 day notice)
    She got a rude shock comin' again tomorrow, too. The main modem's down due to a lightnin' storm. It'll be down til tomorrow evening, and this computer'll be deconned til then, too. F the blue one she uses--I hope it gets cooked to a crispy critter. SHe don't never unhook it anyway--she stays on the thang even durin' the worst lightnin', an if I decon the modem, she's poundin' ma door down askin' whut's wrong with it.
    Still, this time it ain't my fault--I cain't control the weather. Guess she needs ta ask God to do that--any sane person would have five thousand wortha computers unhooked durin' a storm, too, and fergit how good the surge protector is. You pull the frickin plug. An' I'm 'onna do that now.
    Buh bah. MAybe I'll git my regular voice back tomorrow--mine' so sore from yellin' that it's carried thru to my typin', too.
  5. shadow460
    Out of the four VCS consoles I have here, two were repaired today. My Sears heavy sixer has had quite a few problems since I got it, but it looks immaculate on the outside. The current repairs are gonna be the reset switch and replacing the RIOT chip with parts from a Woody that has a badly done video mod.
    I fixed a light sixer whose power switch was failing. All I had to do was disassemble the power switch and flex the contacts. I did that to the TV Type switch (losing a contact in the process, but it still works) and the difficulty switches. I also repaired a Vader with a similar issue on the difficulty switches. I reflowed all the affects switches and tested both systems.
    I still have to repair the light sixer's power supply. Once I do that and take what I want from the Vader, I'll use the Woody as a parts console to fix the Vader and my Sears heavy sixer. I'm going to cross my fingers and hope I've seen the last of the problems from the heavy sixer. Both joysticks are sticking a bit and need some white lithium grease around the base. The paddles need new labels made and they need repair because of jitter. I do have a set of Atari branded paddles that look and play great. The driving controllers, which were a major selling point for me on this console, are Sears branded and in excellent shape.
     
    Also on the repair list is a Game Boy Classic. I have two with various types of damage to them, so I'm going to do a combining project.
     
    I'm not entirely sure why the Woody's picture rolls. I'm not going to worry about it as I get great video quality with the standard RF out, proper cables, and an RCA to coax plug.
     
    I didn't find any Atari stuff when I went on the hunt, but I did find a slew of PS1 and PS2 demo discs. I also found a PS2 DVD player disc to go with the old Sony remote I have. I was halfway looking for Game Boy Player discs but I came up empty on that as well.
  6. shadow460
    Well, it's time for me to organize my thought a little bit instead of throwing them out in the general board.
    I've just had a bunch of stuff stolen (@!#?@ thieves). It's pretty bad when I have to keep a Q Bert cartridge around to avoid posting open profanity. I dropped one F bomb and an atomic bomb during the whole deal--pretty bad for me actually as I swore off years ago. I do retain the right to post meaningless symbols or the first letter of a word, stuff like that, but no actual vulgarity....normally.
     
    I'm also undegoing rabies vaccinations--this makes my temperament very pleasant indeed. I wish I'd caught the thieves--I would have bitten them. I missed the globulin shots, thank goodness, and I will never ever need them in my whole entire stinking life on this blue planet they call Earth that is three rocks away from the star we call the sun but they call sol.
     
    That dampens my joy at winning a Shining Force on ebay. I'm going to pay $22 for Shining Force: Sword of Hajya. My newly revitalized Game Gear will be getting a whole ton of use shortly. I wish Scotty were here to beam the money over, and beam the game back.
     
    My arm hurts a little bit. Worse than the other day and I feel a fever coming on--well, a little one.
     
    Let me say something: If you're reading this, you're obviously a little curious about me. You've read my comments about wanting to leave the planet.
    In God's time, I will die, like anyone else. I view this as a transition from Earth, where we are undergoing boot camp for Heaven, to God's kingdom. I am very eager for that to happen, but I know that I must finish my time here, like I finished Navy boot camp before I went on a ship. So do not be concerned about this kind of comment--that I wish I could leave the Earth. It doesn't mean I wish I were dead--I'll never die. I'll live on through eternity in Heaven with my Creator, and oh, boy, I cannot wait!
     
    I wrote another song last week--it just sprang out and my pastor wanted me to play it in church, so I did. I lead evening praise at a small church in south Oklahoma City. I don't lead it all--about half of it is led by others, which lets everyone share the stage and shows off very diverse music types. Sometimes, like this week, I am asked to lead on Sunday mornings.
    Other times, I want to shove God's talent (the music) back into His face and tell him to leave me the crap alone. things get to the point where there is too much pressure on me sometimes--CCLI licensing, transportation costs, time constraints, getting lyrics printed, people wanting to mumble instead of shout like they're saved, people complaining about how long or short the sets are (try laying your life down for the benefit people that hate you, and then come talk to me), and it makes me want to scream.
     
    Whatevs. Frekaing whatevs. The devil can kiss my rusty. I'm going to eat (finally--the rabies isn't killing me fast enough, so I gotta eat), and keep my @!#?@ Q Bert game handy for the next time someone really chaps my hide.
  7. shadow460

    FF7 playthrough

    By shadow460,

    I've been covering my FF7 playthrough in a thread in the modern gaming forum. That coverage is now being transferred here.
     
    The highlights:
    I was testing some PS1 and PS2 consoles with several games. Final Fantasy 7 was one of them. Only one console turned out to be not repairable, that was an SCPH-1001. The spindle was bad on a new laser unit ordered from Rich's PSX parts. Rich's would not respond to my emails, but I was able to win a chargeback against them. I have been running FF7 on one of the PS2 consoles as a sort of extended test after adjusting the laser voltage and skew.
     
    I downloaded the re release of FF7 and played through to the Shinra building. The program stopped saving correctly. It was very difficult to get started anyway, more so than the original PC release on which it's based. I got into a nasty email exchange with Square-Enix. Ultimately, I also won a chargeback against Squeenix and was allowed to keep the software. It's been uninstalled but I have an archival copy.
     
    Anyway, I went back to the PS1 version of the game. I delivered solid defeats to tough bosses like Motor Ball and the Midgar Zolom. I was able to defeat Midgar Zolom right after leaving Kalm Town for the first time, earning my first copy of Beta in the process. This was not an accident--I planned to learn Beta at this time.
    I was able to pass through all the way to Junon, learning all the level 1 to 3 limit breaks before reaching Junon. My only Game Over screen occured in the Shinra Mansion. I got careless and nearly lost to Gi Nattak while trying a new strategy. My carelessness continued into Nibelheim where it cost me the battle with Lost Number. I reloaded and delivered solid defeats to both Gi Nattak and Lost Number within 30 minutes. They were able to attack once or twice each before falling. I killed Gi Nattak with a single Phoenix Down and I hit Lost Number with physical attacks until his purple side showed up. I hit that side twice with Beta to end the battle.
     
    I am now on the Nibel Mountain. Materia Keeper opened with Trine (yeeeesssss!!!). As a token of my gratitude, I whipped the snot out of him with Bio2, ????, and Aqualung. I've been leveling the first Elemental materia since I got it from Domino, so at this time, I must be eternally grateful to Materia Keeper for healing Cloud with Trine!
  8. shadow460

    A labor of love

    By shadow460,

    In 1999, a green iguana was displayed in a day care center. He's not your average cuddly creature like a dog, so perhaps the five year old children mistakenly tried to treat him like one. His tail was broken about halfway between the tip and his body.
     
    The following year, he measured between 24 and 26 inches from his head to the tip of what tail he had. How do I know this? I measured him personally. When he was about a year old, some of the employees of the day care realized he was being abused. Through a mutual friend, my first wife found out about the situation. She had owned a hedgehog which had died that year. Looking to fill the void with another exotic pet, she discussed the idea of owning a green iguana with me, and I agreed.
     
    These guys grow to be something entirely different than the cute, wide eyed little lizards you see in the pet shop. I think that the cutesy appearance attracts too many people to the green iguana who don't realize what kind of commitment he or she requires. I, personally, have seen baby iguanas one only one or two occasions, both in pet stores. On one occasion, I was informed by the caretaker not to be startled, but there was a rather large green iguana behind me. I turned, of course, and was at eye level with a female iguana whose main body was the size of my forearm. Never mind the tail, she was a lot larger than I would have expected. My response was, "Hey! How are you today?" and I told the caretaker that I owned a green iguana myself.
    In any case, since it's not apparent at first what kind of care they require, I think that anyone who's considering such an animal for a pet should be required to attend a class that teaches some of the tasks required, and should be required to perform those tasks before any adoption takes place.
     
    My first mistake was to assume that our green lizard would be OK in the same cage we had for the hedgehog. Like Gracie, he could be fed outside his cage, and even spend most of the day outside it. He grew about half again the size he was when we got him, and the cage was far too small. His temper got short, and I don't think he was happy. So I considered building him a new cage.
     
    My in laws had a wooden crate that was built around a rather large pallet. It looked perfect, since all I had to do was screen the open part, stand it up, and put wheels on it. Later when he grew even more, I planned to move the wheels to what was the back wall, flip the thing 90 degrees so the wall was now the floor, and build up the sides to a height of to 8 feet. The crate worked perfect, IMO. I built a custom top for it that was screened all the way around and had plenty of room for the perfect reptile to bask in the heat lamps. It took several weeks to build. Most of the time during the construction, our lizard was outside in the small cage just watching. When it was done and he moved in, I really think he was happier. I built a double door into the screen front, and often times we'd leave one door open. A few times he ventured out and stayed, but most of the time, that cage was home. Sometimes when he did venture out, he'd choose to bask in the sunlight coming through our patio door.
     
    About a year after this, a cat had been killed nearby while defending her litter of four day old kittens from a raccoon. A neighbor had seen the aftermath and collected the litter after their mother perished. Six kittens survived for a days or so until she took them to the SPCA. Two were adopted right there in the parking lot, and she was told the rest would be euthanized if they were brought inside. My first wife adopted one of the kittens, and when the little fuzzball was brought home she got to know our iguana. The first time I saw them together, she was watching him as he basked in the sunlight, and he was looking warily back at her. There was no doubt in my mind that I ought to step in, so I spoke to them both and took the kitten into the next room.
     
    I found out the hard way that I'm not able to live with cats. We let the cat go after a few months, and when we did I started to wonder if I was the right caretaker for an iguana. I'd done the best I could, but I did some research. What I found made me feel so guilty that I was sick to my stomach for several hours. I found out about the diseases iguanas can catch and what they can do to the creatures. I found out that they aren't pets you can just put some food in front of and not worry about. Sure, we had rescued him from the daycare, but we weren't the caretakers he needed.
     
    Pets do the darnedest things, though. From the time he was "introducing" himself to the cat to his first out of the cage car ride to the time we had company over while he was out and he climbed to the top of some of the lumber I'd purchased for his new cage, he always had something up his sleeve. Reptiles are no less ornery than your average cat or dog, in fact,m they are probably more so.
     
    The story does have a happy ending, though. Read on...
     
    Around that time, a new person had started at my job, and I found out he had a tortoise. One day I asked him if the tortoise could use a companion. We spoke quite a bit about reptiles as pets, and it sounded to me like he really did have a heart for taking care of them. I brought him over to meet my iguana. They seemed to hit it off right away. I spoke with my first wife about it and she wanted to be assured that he could provide the required care. I was certain he could, so a few days later he came and picked up our iguana, the cage, and all the materials we had purchased for the iguana over the last couple of years. Part of me was very sad to see them leave, but I knew that he'd be taken better care of.
     
    Sometimes I wonder how well our iguana is doing. I wonder if he has been happy as he's grown older, and I wonder if he's adapted to having half a tail. I certainly hope he's been happy. I hope he became friends with that tortoise.
     
    Each of us owes a death. One day our turn will come. Each pet that is owned also owes a death. Although it is the way of things, that fact does nothing at all to console the pet's companions when the time comes. I do not think that there is much that can console the companions. See, we're not "owners" of a pet, we're merely companions. Granted, we generally have the food, heat rocks, puzzles, or whatever, but it boils down to the fact we co habitate in the same home. If one companion passes on, it hurts all of them.
    Do, however, know this: For each death that is paid by a companion, there is a chance that another animal has become friends or even companions with another creature. I don't say that strictly in the sense that a human has adopted or rescued an animal, since you could have, say, a couple cats that meet and become friends and they'd know each other far better than a human would know either of them.
    I think that death can bring new opportunities for the surviving companions. It can create a need or a void to fill for those companions, and they will fill it. Gracie's death created a void that even I needed to fill, and it was filled by changing the life of one green iguana from that of misunderstanding and abuse to one of friendship and curiosity. I still do miss that tiny, shy, little ball of quills sometimes. I miss being able to go home and talk to an iguana about how my day went, and I even miss the week old fuzz ball, too. Out of all that, though, came a successful life for a companion that most humans would not know how to live with.
  9. shadow460
    Screw the 5200. I spent about three hours getting an emulator working on my PSP under CFW 5.00 something M33. It spat out Zaxxon at full speed to my C=1701 monitor, but that's the only game that worked so well. The emulator thinks its a computer, though. Good job, Atari, you have now confused the definition of "computer" with that of "video game console", and you didnt need Jack Tramiel for this travesty.
     
    The controllers suck, the switchboxes are hard to find, and all the good Activision titles from the 2600 now suck. What a waste of shelf space. I could fit half a LaserActive into that space and have useful features like karaoke and movie playback, and (gasp!) working controllers! The best thing? If I don't want it to act like a computer, all I gotta do is remove the PC pack! Ah, no wait...the big boys like the LaserActive and the Halcyon have another feature, too...automatic wallet thinning. You don't get that with a 5200 until you've shelled out for new sticks a time or two, now do you? I suppose one could hollow out the shell and use it to store PSP games, couldn't they?
     
    Seriously, the more I am exposed to this sorry excuse of a game system, the more I realize what it is: Junk. There's only one reason one would want anything to do with this system, and it's an expensive green cartridge. Even that's been mitigated a bit, though, with the release of part of that same game on newer systems.
     
    whatever happened to simplicity? You should just be able to plug in a game and go. Hit a switch or two, pick up a joystick, and play. Forget having to load some overlays, tell the thing you want to insert a cartridge, then tell it what's in the cartridge, I dunno, I ain't opened it up to count the little chips in there so how am I supposed to know? then tell it that no, you don't use a computer keyboard with this game...screw it! If I wanna play a 2600 game on my PSP, it's as simple as throw it in the system, hit a couple controls, and dump it straight into the Stella folder on my memory stick.
     
    Even the Pro System knows it's a game console and not a computer. And the controllers don't break! It ain't got the best library of games, but when you hit the power switch, at least it runs!
     
    I know I probably hacked off a fanboi or two, but face it: your system sucks...hard. I shouldn't have to have a computer science degree and an electronics background just to play a game. Average Joe doesn't have all that, and he sure didn't have all that back in 1982. Got some nasty response? Cram it in your cart slot, 'cause this jury is done decidin' that any system that takes up that much space needs to do something useful instead of collecting dust.
     
    Rant mode off.
  10. shadow460

    healing

    By shadow460,

    I wonder if my foot would heal faster with the Loritab. It is still available if I want it. I've kept it wrapped through the day, and had the wrap off two nights ago. Last night I wrapped it a little closer to my toes than normal, and it woke me up several times. I worked the wrap off little by little, and left it off for about half an hour to let things air out.
     
    My wife is quite patient when things like this happen. As a result, when I find myself out of work, I try to do more house work than usual, and I try to make sure that the bathroom (and hot water!) is available to her in the morning before work and late at night when it's shower time.
    So she says "we need to do laundry". I realize that the military seabags we use for that can hold 40 pounds of laundry each. I had one of them almost full. She also has been asking me since a couple of weeks ago to run another errand. lol, I wound up kicking the full seabag down the stairs with my good leg and dragging it roughly 100 feet to the laundry room. I stayed there a little too long, though, standing on my right leg while chatting with a neighbor. I had to sit down for a few minutes.
    I swiped my wife's truck since it has an auto tranny and no clutch for that left foot to fight with. If trucks have feelings, mine is probably wondering why I don't love it anymore. I refuse to even touch the little Mazda, as there's not enough energy in either leg to kick it. And it has a clutch, too. On a side note, my Dad mentioned that he has a backhoe available to him and he's been crushing cars with it. I told him I wanted a door mat made, with four 16 inch Chevrolet rims, one at each corner, and the word "MAZDA" printed right across the middle where I wipe my feet.
     
    OK, enough hatred for the one little Mazda truck. Want a truck? All you need is a letter and three numbers. F, one five zero. You could use a two in place of the one if you need a little bit bigger truck. That's "Lobo" to the Mexican folk, BTW. I'm sure you could use a similar combination like D one zero zero, or K two five zero zero, but I am a Ford man.
     
    I am able to take semi normal steps today, albeit slowly. I wondered about that, being up off and on all night. As long as I don't try to flex my left foot, I am fine. I think it is allowing itself to flex some, though, or I may be getting used to having it wrapped up. It was quite stiff right behind my toes when I rolled out, but some of the stiffness is gone. I've been able to wear my shoe normally over the Ace wrap when I have to go somewhere.
     
    I wonder something else. Would a metguard have prevented this injury? I've worn metguards before. They take a long time to break in, and they cause the shoe to be enormous. Shoes with metguards look, to me, about two sizes larger than they actually are. I already wear steel toes almost everywhere, so getting used to a metguard in an every day shoe would be a smooth transition. In fact, at one point my daily shoes did have metguards in them.
    The incident would have probably pulled on the metguard, possibly breaking it, but it might have prevented my foot from flexing. Of course, the chance I would have fallen right then might be higher, too. I'd have probably shattered the toolbox when it hit the ground, so even if I didn't sprain a foot, I might have been injured by the plastic from the box or the tools inside.
    I guess that question is academic, then. I don't know why I didn't think to just release the box. It's not like it would have smashed my toes or anything had it landed on me.
     
    Anyway, there is a 7 Eleven about a block away. I limped there yesterday and got some soda pop. I will try to go there, against my better judgment, and get more soda after a while.
     
    I faxed two resumes and made two calls today, all to places from the local job listings who need maintenance staff. Two are needing maintenance for larger office buildings. I have specific companies in mind that I'd like to work for, but I have not contacted them yet. I know one of them is hiring, but I do not know for what positions. If PARC Management is, in fact, hiring maintenance staff, I would like to apply for it. I should ask them.
    My favorite two facility maintenance positions were in large, single structures. One was a nursing home, listed earlier in my blog, and one was a US Navy repair facility (SIMA Norfolk) where we did tons of remodeling around the turn of the century.
  11. shadow460

    Another day, another job

    By shadow460,

    Well, there went another job today. I am beginning to think of them in terms of assignments that only last a few weeks until it is time to find another.
     
    I was working overtime this weekend, and I chose to work both Saturday and Sunday evenings instead of through the day. that might have been a mistake since I really could have used sunlight coming through the patio door for what I was doing. Instead, I used a DeWalt work light.
     
    I have been doing facility and residential maintenance off and on since I graduated high school. For the last two years I have done residential maintenance in apartments and nursing homes. The tenants you find in a typical apartment are not monsters or anything, and you make a few friends. Nursing home residents are simply awesome to work with. Each one from either job is a story all in themselves. Whereas most of the stories of low income dwellers make me irate (lay up in the bed, spread legs for anything that moves, have 3 to 5 kids, then soak the daddies for child support, the state for housing assistance, the utility companies for payment assistance, and the USDA for food stamps, then waste what coin you have on nice cars and electronics), some of them really are trying to make life better for themselves. Senior citizens are great, though, even if some of them can't acknowledge you or have something wrong that makes them temperamental, hostile, or the like. I remember incidents of some of them crying aloud like an infant, undressing themselves in front of everyone, and the like, but I can't feel anything but sympathy and yes, even some respect, for them.
     
    I've digressed. What my last assignment boiled down to was that we were failing to meet guidelines set forth by the city and state housing assistance agencies in the time we were given by the property manager. When I say "we", I mean three, no four, different crews. Three were assigned to prepare apartments for new move ins. Such apartments have to pass a housing inspection if the prospective tenant receives any kind of assistance with their rent. The guidelines for those units are much stricter than for those whose tenants pay rent on their own. IMO, therein lies a grave injustice. Each person should receive the same quality apartment regardless of who is paying.
     
    Three of the four crews quit. They did not receive payment for their services for several weeks and they walked away. I feel like the reasons given by the property manager were weak excuses at best. The fourth crew, of which I was a part, had two of its own members quit as well. In the beginning, we had roughly a dozen folks to do a job, in the end, we were pared down to just two. The other person that was left besides me was not paid for about a two week period. Once again, I feel like the reasons given were inadequate.
     
    It seems lately that every day when I went into the office, the property manager raised her voice about something. Last week she raised her voice at me for getting 34 hours of overtime on the weekend, but if you read my thread about birthdays that I started on September 4th, you will know that I was most definitely not working that weekend. I explained this. The next day, she yelled at me again for wasting her 34 hours of overtime.
    Another day she yelled at me because I was draining the swimming pool. Hello, it is too cold to swim. It developed an algae growth, and if that reaches a certain stage, the only way to clear it involves partially draining the pool. We were taught this in a course given by our city's department of health. It was also written into our instruction book that we were given to take with us for a reference.
    I was tired of her attitude problem at this point. Up until a few days ago, I barely even knew the office staff. I would only go in there to get work orders for the day if I didn't already have my work list made out the previous day. I would go in there occasionally when I needed to purchase something so that I could get approval. Now I never got prior approval before purchasing tools, but I spent my own money on those. She asked that we meet in the office each morning, though, so I would go in there right when I got to work. The very next morning, and each one thereafter, this manager yelled at the only two people she had left in the maintenance department. I tried to reason with her, but I am sure I, too, raised my voice when I tried that. I am not one to sit be yelled at--I will almost always yell right back in the person's face.
     
    Two weeks ago, we were assigned to prepare a particular apartment for move in. My co worked scheduled contractors to replace the tile and carpet on the floor on a Monday. It would be inspected Tuesday. We started Friday at 11AM. That is when I found out the unit had a massive water leak. We knew instantly we would be working all weekend. We got our saws out and got busy cutting modly sheet rock out. I removed the dishwasher and the water tank and cleaned up all the mess we had made. We built a new shelf for the aircon to sit on since the old shelf was rotten. The next day we came in and we painted half of the apartment. We hung new sheet rock and textured it. The day after, we did more painting, installed trim, installed the water tank, mounted the new shelf, and hung sheet rock in the hot water closet. A contractor asked us to leave part of the sheet rock down so he could re install the aircon easier. We expected that we would be able to work after or around the flooring contractor to install a door and fix a few other problems the apartment had. I was asked to purchase the door and request a reimbursement. I refused, based on the fact that many of our contractors were still awaiting their payment. I was then told that the property manager would provide money to purchase the door that day so we could hang it Monday. That didn't happen, either.
    Monday I found out that the flooring contractor had been canceled. We were told that the deadline was changed on that apartment since we had many others to prepare. I assisted in preparing several of those and preparing some occupied units for inspections, and many of them passed. The few that didn't were due to things not being done that the property had planned to hire contractors for, such as flooring.
    A contractor was hired to clean the apartment up. When I realized he had the only key to the place, I took it from him and copied it, then brought him the copy. He never returned it. I had not turned that original key in when I changed the locks, so as far as anyone else knew, it never existed, but the copy I made did.
    Anyway, fast forward to Friday at 4:45 PM. The property manager asks me to go and purchase the door, but she handed me some petty cash to do so. I was told the new inspection date was today, Monday, so we had to finish up in there. I was aware that someone had been "borrowed" from another property to work in the particular unit. He had told me the day before that he wanted to paint. He did next to nothing in reality. I had already cut all the trim he needed, and there was very little sheet rock to hang up. He hung five piece of sheet rock and attached one piece of trim. The rest of the trim had been thrown away. He did not address any of the other items that needed done, such as replacing screens, hanging blinds, changing light bulbs, and whatnot. Even the trim and sheet rock he installed looked terrible.
    I realized when I entered on Saturday I had my work cut out for me once again. I worked as much as I could finishing the installation, placing "mud" and tape onto the new walls and texturing them. I did some plumbing and electrical work. I tested and repaired appliances, save for the dishwasher which I could not save since the pump seal was leaking. I installed a towel bar, did some caulking, installed a smoke alarm, hung the new door, and installed the return air vent. I spent six hours each day, from 3 to 9 in the afternoon/evening, working to pass that housing inspection. I realized late yesterday that while I probably would not finish everything then, if I asked for help in the morning that two of us could finish up and the apartment would pass. I was growing impatient and I decided it was time to call it quits for the evening. I packed up my tools and began to load them into my truck.
     
    My tool box's weight changes day to day depending on what I have in it. Yesterday it was full, so I estimate it weighed close to 100 pounds. It is bulky, so it requires two hands to lift even if it is nearly empty. I had loaded all the smaller items into my truck, and as usual I loaded my tool box last.
    The ground has washed away somewhat near this apartment. To get to the parking lot, one must either walk through the washed out area, or take the longer route following the sidewalk and down a couple of steps. Sometime before the ground washed away, a cable of some sort was buried, but the erosion has exposed a 15 foot section of it.
    With my 100 pound tool box in both arms, I failed to see that cable in the dark. I unknowingly planted my right foot on it and my left foot caught underneath it. The box began to pull me forward and down. I jerked frantically with my left foot, trying to free it, since my right was already behind me and I could not transfer that much weight (300 pounds total) back to it. I was falling. My left foot came free after a couple of seconds, but it still felt as if the cable was wrapped around it. I stumbled forward, the weight of the box pulling me further forward and down with each step. A few steps later, I crashed into a parked car and my box landed hard on the hood. I fell across the hood and my tool box. I lifted the box and realized quickly my left foot would not hold any weight. I did manage to hobble to my truck with the box, but the truck was only a few feet away. I locked everything I could into my truck and drove to the shop. I was able to unload one thing, my step ladder, so I placed it near the door, locked up, and called my co worker to let him know he would have work to do in the morning and that I might not be able to help.
    I drove home, but I did have problems working the clutch in my truck. I wanted to go into work today, but I did not know if I would be able to drive. I decided that if I was still hurting and I could drive, I'd ask for the day off in person, but that if I could not drive, I would call in.
    As it turns out, several spikes of pain shot through my foot and into my leg this morning. I could work the clutch to an extent, but for the most part I had to operate all three pedals with one foot. I called my co worker and told him I was not going to make it and that I intended to call the office next. They beat me to it--I got a call waiting while I was on the phone. They asked where the keys were and I explained that while their cleaners had lost the set they were supposed to have, a spare existed and I happened to have it. I told them I was having problems driving, but I would bring the keys in. I thought about swiping my wife's truck, which has an auto tranny, but I knew she needed it to get to work and we didn't have time to carpool before that inspection occurred.
     
    I brought the keys to work and explained why I was limping so badly. I said I'd like to go home and put some ice on my foot. I turned to my co worker and told him there were a few things left and I'd left a list but forgotten something on it. That's when the property manager interrupted and her attitude problem showed back up. An argument ensued, and we both yelled at each other. I told her I was "tired of this" (meaning the situation, not the job), and she demanded my office and shop keys. We each said to one another that were were "finished with each other". I asked for my shop key back so I could get my tools and at first she refused. I asked again for either a key or someone to accompany me, and before I could threaten to cut a wall out of the shop or back through the door, she handed me a key.
     
    It took a while for me to load everything up. There is a full set of DeWalt power tools including some saws and a vacuum cleaner, all of which was purchased separately, a step ladder, many hand tools, a small fridge that I generally hook up wherever I work, and three fans. Normally I could have it loaded in about ten minutes, but it took half an hour today. My co worker loaded the fridge. The whole bunch of tools would cost around $1500 to replace at retail if it were stolen or lost.
     
    After that, I drove home to think for a few minutes. I called a personal injury lawyer to ask questions. My call was returned about half an hour later. I decided it was best to go get checked by a doctor. I went to the workman's comp clinic the parent company used, but they would not see me even when I offered to pay for it myself. I went to a minor emergency clinic where it cost me $160 to get examined and x rayed. My foot is sprained, but fortunately it is not broken. I was prescribed Loritab, which I am afraid to take, and 600 mg Motrin. I have over the counter motrin at home, which can be taken in 400 mg doses so I decided to go with that instead of paying for the stronger pills.
    Ordinarily I would have stayed home today with ice on my foot, then gone back to work the next day or the following day. I made the decision to be seen to get a snapshot of the damage done before it healed up, mainly in case it was needed for the workman's comp claim.
    Since nothing is broken, I expect I will be able to walk normally within a few days. Even if it was broken, I could have my wife drive me to work in the morning where I could sit at a desk and take or make calls, or lease apartments.
     
    The last people I called were the unemployment folks. I explained all of this to them. They will determine if I am eligible for benefits. I see no harm in calling them and telling the truth, as making that determination is their job. They did ask if I was able to work, and I told them I felt like yes I can do a desk job even if they call me tomorrow with one. I explained that the doctor did not ask me to return.
     
    The last thing I did before finally relaxing at home was to get the Ace wrap the doctor "prescribed" and get something to eat. That, 400 mils of Motrin, and some ice have helped greatly with pain.
     
    I feel like I was not told what was expected of me this weekend. I expected to walk in on Saturday, hang a door, paint that door, install a vent, and leave, and that was it. I feel like I was terminated partly because of the argument, partly because the property manager did not think the apartment would pass inspection, and partly because I was injured. I feel like it is wrong to terminate anyone between the time of an on the job injury and the time they get treated. At the least, I feel like even if the person was wrong, they should be treated, then terminated and possibly billed for the treatment.
    The lawyer explained that I should be able to receive payment for several things, including the days I am out of work because of this (this possibly includes the time I'm out of work over losing the job, too), and I should be able to recover the $160 I spent at Fast ER care today. I did not ask how his fees would be paid.
     
    If I can sue for damages, should I? On the one hand, all I really want is my money back for the doctor and the lawyer, and payment of several days' wages that I would normally have been able to earn if I was still working. On the other hand, if I were able to sue for damages, and I did so, perhaps such a lawsuit would cause the parent company to think about their workman's comp practices and terminate those who do not follow them. It might not help me much, but it could help someone else avoid this kind of thing in the future. Even if I didn't win anything at all, it still might prevent this happening again.
     
    As for this board, the questions are largely rhetorical. I have asked the to my wife for real, and I may ask some other family members and some friends what they would do.
     
    On the bright side, the $160 I spent today is less than what I would have spent on one month medical insurance the last time I was offered it. In addition to that, chances are that even if I landed a new job tomorrow, the start date would be a few days later which would give my foot time to heal. My wife, of course, still has her job, and we have savings to help out.
  12. shadow460

    **** the DHS

    By shadow460,

    I'm divorced. When it happened, the state stepped in and determined child support and they ignored what both my first wife and I wanted. OK, when I have a job, I pay it. If I was still married to her and lost my job, no one would care that my kid might be going without a little, so why should it matter that I lost my job after we were divorced?
     
    It takes about a month for the DHS to start the allotment for child support from my paychecks. If I send it manually during that time, they never start it. That allotment includes a court order on whichever employer to pay child support. I tried simply giving the case info to one employer and they took the money out of my check but didn't make all the payments to the state. So that's out--with the order in place if that happens again, the employer is in trouble. I also tried contacting the DHS myself with my new employment info, and their response was to freeze my bank account and threaten to suspend my driver's and professional licenses. The never suspended any licenses, and they didn't take any money from my bank, either! They did that strictly to halt the use of my debit card and to stop me from withdrawing any money that I'd had direct deposited into my account.
    No, instead of letting me help them out by telling them who to call for support payments, they'd rather cut my cash flow off without even a moment's notice.
     
    I'm not a fool, though. The horror stories are all over the news, so they didn't stop anything financial on my end.
     
    Fast forward. I get hurt on the job. It's minor, but I still go to the doctor for a simple diagnosis and some pain killers. This happened over a month ago, and I requested nothing more than to see a doctor and get painkillers. Today I get this letter in the mail saying "Since you owe back child support, we have a lien on the settlement you got from worker's compensation."
     
    WTF?!? Excuse me, but it's not my fault the economy went south and I lost my job!! It's not my fault that you people didn't tell me until two months after the judgement was entered that I even owed child support! For crying out loud, when that judgement was made, I was still married to the kid's mom! How the heck am I gonna pay child support to my own wife?
    Now here's the best part, what if I had been hurt bad and unable to work? How the heck would I live then? What, would they get 100% of the annuity payments? Man send that stuff to my 401(k) plan. I might not get it now, but the DHS sure as heck can't touch that.
     
    This kind of thing really ruins the good memories I had of that marriage, and it does little good for the relationship with my daughter. It doesn't affect me at all financially, since I had no plans to sue or seek anything more than (everybody say it now) a trip to a doctor and some pain meds.
     
    What is the DHS smoking? Excuse the **ll out of me for having a child...like most married folks do. Excuse the blank out of me for being a "deadbeat" dad...<total sacrasm> sure I have three Jaguars, a Porsche, and a Ferrari in the driveway of my giant mansion with the pool and the nice home theater, maid service, ten acre lawn, and the works. </sarc> Crap I'm just trying to stay above water here.
     
    <end rant>
     
    I ain't trying to avoid support here, I'm just trying to keep the ____ DHS off my back.
    Why can't I just be a normal father? I'm OK now, just a couple games of something and I'll be fine...just had to rant...
     
    OK, this is too personal for a public board, enjoy my blog.
  13. shadow460
    I've seen people walking down one coaster, and I've been stuck on another. Just today I saw a fellow lose his inner tube on an intense water slide.
     
    When I was still pretty young we took a trip to California to visit my great aunt. While she was managing her restaurant therein Van Nuys, we were touring and going places like Universal Studios and Disneyland. The second day were were in Disneyland, something happened to the Matterhorn Bobsleds and folks had to walk down the mountain.
     
    A few summers later, I was at Big Splash water park in Tulsa, OK, and I got stuck on one of the slides. It took me so long to work my way along that the person behind me crashed into me from behind.
     
    Years later someone misjudged their tolerance and caused the Busch Gardens Europe crew to have to "perform minor housekeeping duties" about Apollo's Chariot. It was more than minor. My train sat in the block brakes for a good ten minutes in the cool Virginia evening while they cleaned up.
     
    Just today as I climbed the seven story tower known as "the Bermuda Triangle", I saw a kid on the sidewall of one of the tube slides, and his tube was on the other side. He flipped over lengthwise before hitting the splash pool below. He got up and made his way to the exit no worse for the wear.
    The tower itself has five slides, so you get to choose the quick way down. It's clearly visible from the freeway, which adds to the fear factor when you get to the top and see 18 wheelers going by at 60 MPH. Three of the five slides exit into a splash pool. The total drop on the purple, yellow, and blue slides is 70 feet, and riders get to speeds of 35 MPH. Purple and Blue are mostly enclosed, Yellow is not.
    Then there's a green speed slide. It's smooth and fast, and reminds me of Apollo's Chariot since you can literally feel the speed on both rides, yet there are zero bumps of any kind.
    And then there's my personal favorite ride in the park...the Acapulco Cliff Dive, which is a white speed slide that goes west from the tower. Riders go about 1/4 of the way down and then level off before the main drop. The slide has water dumping into it in the level section, which gives the rider a pretty good boost...enough that most people over 150 pounds catch several inches of air, then smack down onto the fiberglass at nearly full speed. I always catch air, and that's the main draw! I actually got some battle damage from it today, too. I walked away from my first ride with blisters in two places and almost a third. I didn't care--I went back for more! And I got to freak people out like I used to do with new Alpengeist riders...
    "Is it scary?"
    "Yep. You look out over this green slide and all you can see is air. You can't see the slide at all. It's 64 feet to the ground, and rumor has it that you exceed 60 MPH on the way down."
    "How about the white one?"
    Now the fun begins...after I have convinced them that only suicidal people would ride down the tower in any other way.
    "I come off of that slide every time I ride it."
    Serious, three guys were hanging on to the fence watching folks drop down the Cliff Dive. When one person went right before me, they were all like, "Whoa! That dude came off! Did you see that!?" I told 'em I was gonna come off, too...just you hide and watch!
     
    A couple of days ago I saw a kid lose his life jacket when he hit the water coming off of another slide in the same park. He'd been told he shouldn't slide with it, but he ignored the guards and went anyway. They got him out of the splash pool and he went on his way. The slide is called Cannonball Falls, and he went on the more intense green slide. There's an eight foot drop into the splash pool, and when combined with the speed built up from the slide itself you hit the water with a lot of force. It knocked his life jacket off of him.
     
    Fortunately I have never seen anyone hurt on any kind of ride, and don't really think about it much before I ride. Matter of fact, I'm going on the Bermuda Triangle again the next chance I get, even though I usually hit the wall several times no matter which of the five slides I ride down.
    All that said, though, I love extreme roller coasters, but I'm too chicken to get on an extreme water slide...you know, the ones where you gotta pick your shorts out when you get up, right? There just ain't nothin' between my pasty self and the ground if anything goes wrong.
     
    I was watching some POV films from several rides. I gotta go get on Griffon some day--that looks like fun! They said it has a 205 foot height to it. I also watched POVs of some old favorites like Hypersonic XLC and Volcano. I love the way when volcano launches, you can't see what happened to the hapless riders but you can hear them scream. I watched some videos of the Steel Lasso, and I can't wait to get on it when I get the chance. Ditto for a wooden coaster called the Wildcat. Normally you wouldn't see me get worked up to go to Frontier City, but it's beginning to pick up a little bit.
     
    So I have officially ridden everything in White Water Bay. Not this year, mind you, as there are some SBNO rides in the park and I haven't worked up whatever it is to ride the Big Kahuna. I rode that once and I didn't really like it. But I have been on everything there.
     
    What really cracked me up was when a guard told me that I could go down the Cliff Dive head first. I knew she was joking, but then told her that such a ride existed where the Big Kahuna sits today. None of the guard believe me when I tell them of the All American Plunge, and of the times we watched folks skip across the splash pool and crash into the pile of inner tubes. This guard didn't believe me, and she also didn't believe that the park used to have a mini golf course.
    I think the Cliff Dive was built to replace the All American Plunge, and I gotta say the Cliff Dive is a worthy ride, but it'll never replace the feeling of "oh $**t" that the Plunge could give when its gate opened and you were dispatched head first on those special kick boards.
     
    Seems that the greatest rides of all sometimes don't make it. Rest in pieces, Hypersonic XLC and All American Plunge. What's real sad, though, is that they were never within 1500 miles of each other...and they shoulda been in the same park!
  14. shadow460

    more job searching

    By shadow460,

    I had a manager call me back today from a place in Norman not far from the Grace home I worked at last year. The first one, that is, not the hostile alien environment I was transferred to later. A test was given when I applied and evidently I blew away the HVAC portion. Sweet. Dunno if it'll go anywhere, but hopefully so and hopefully they'll help me get the PEA certification I need.
     
    In other news, I gotta pull the blower resistor out of my Mazda and bench that to see if I can get all four fan speeds working, and I gotta bench an SCPH-1001 PlayStation to get the drive going. Then if there is time I need to bench my wife's VCR and see how badly the VHS deck is worn out, and if it can be fixed. Common honey, like that you'd get from a bee (unless you got venom instead...owwwitch!) works wonders in lieu of belt dressing for that kind of thing. I'll pass on the bees, though--you can keep them!
  15. shadow460
    Its boring staying at home all the time. I stay up too late, sleep too late, then when I get up I fax a couple resumes off (the free limit at Faxzero is two a day) and either go put in applications or do something else job search related.
    Today I made a list of ALL of my work history. From the after school tutoring in 1990 all the way up to my last job.
     
    Last week I had a job fair and an interview. The job fair was simple, and I spoke to a manager about the position they had, however it had already been filled. The interview was something else--they offered me $12 an hour to supervise the maintenance crew in a high rise apartment. I'm scared of heights, and I was too chicken s**t to go on the roof of a 15 floor high rise even for a tour of the place. I will pass on becoming a bloody spot in the middle of May Avenue in any other fashion than jaywalking. Serious, like the only things you can see from up there are the two more high rise buildings, the New York Life tower, and tornadoes. I never went back, and they relisted the position on the internet.
    I've spent many an hour on the roof of a place called SIMA Norfolk. It is, in case the name doesn't give it away, in Norfolk. However, that roof was about 40 feet up and had internal access from about three places inside the structure. It was pretty big, too, I'd guess there's probably half an acre up there to walk around on. I had zero trouble getting up and down and working on stuff up there. But 15 floors is about, oh, 200 feet by the time you add the elevator shack and the basement which I think is partly above ground. And the footprint is nowhere near half an acre. That plus acrophobia equals one scared senseless huan being. Maybe for $15 an hour I'd do it, but they never offered that.
     
    Anyway, so I am back into the job searching mode. I never left it. I need to call Grace in Del City tomorrow and try to work from that end to see if my former employer is really going to create the position I'm supposed to get or if I should just forget it.
     
    I benched a set of headphones this week. That is, I put them on the workbench for repairs. They were Optimus Pro 25's, now they have only the Pro 25 wire/inline volume, a Pro 35 diaphragm on the right and a Koss Porta Pro diaphragm on the left. One diaphragm is coated with metal and the other is plastic. Shockingly, they sound great. I used a Pro 35 headband, which clamps the phones solid to the wearer's head. It's not a comfortable band. It trades comfort for sound quality.
     
    Also I'm trying to roll the score and difficulty in Subterranea. Every time I get it out, I get a little further then I hit a brick wall with it. I got shot four times in less than ten seconds at one point. I didn't have a chance to move or shoot back--four times over an enemy appeared from the right and blasted me. I slammed the stick down (something rare for me) and hit reset. After the next game, I took a five minute break. I played for about fifteen minutes after that then stopped. I've acted out smashing the cartridge with my bard hands, throwing the cartridge, burning the cartridge, wiping my butt with the instructions, burning the instructions, and ripping the instructions to ribbons. It felt good. I didn't actually do any of that, but acting it out felt great!
  16. shadow460

    Shattered games...

    By shadow460,

    OK, so now here's how I can turn a sad story into something good.
     
    First, I managed to acquire some very nice 2600 games late last year. Among them is a near mint condition Fishing Derby and a near mint CIB Fire Fighter.
     
    So I'm looking for Missile Command in my stack of carts yesterday. I don't remember if there was a text release of this or not, and my Atari picture labels are stacked under three layers of games. Time to go digging... first thing I did was spill about half a dozen carts. I picked them up immediately. See, Intellivison carts don't stack straight. I don't have an Inty, so why on Earth I have 20 or 30 games for it is beyond me. I don't even know if any of them work!
    I thought I'd just stack a handful of 2600 carts atop those, but no, the 2600 carts took a spill, and the dang Inty carts stayed put! Long story short, the 2005 and 2007 AA Holiday carts were fine, (dunno if Stella's Stocking boots, but it should), Parker's Frogger was fine (if it had been Starpath's, I would have saw red), but Fishing Derby had some kind of rattle in it. I looked down in there and two large chunks of plastic were missing by the edge connector. The board was loose, too, and this cart was almost mint! #!?@
    Looks like I had work to do, and I'd been meaning to strip the Activision glue from that cart for a while.
     
    A bit of history on it, though:
    I got this cart in a Craigslist lot. It's the only respectable copy of Fishing Derby I'd found in the wild in the last four years. I had to wait a week to pick the lot up because its owner was on vacation. It was worth it, though, for the number of games that were in excellent shape. I gave my "old" copy of Fishing Derby to my brother along with 50 other games, a ton of controllers, and my light sixer.
     
    Anyway, I heated the label but it just refused to peel off. I finally dug up a corner of it to get it started, then heated it and it came right off. The label was fine, but the damage to the shell is extensive. The supports that hold the ROM board in place were shattered, the flat piece that is behind the edge connector was broken, and the bottom half was cracked lengthwise all the way to the Activision logo. I used cyanoacrylate super glue to put everything back together meticulously. The left screw post was also shattered, and I put that back together with the glue. I stripped the Activision glue from the shell and replaced it with Elmer's school glue stick.
    In the end, I got the whole thing back together and the only way to tell it's been damaged is to look down beside the edge connector. The glue spots on the bottom of the case are barely visible, as is the damage to the label were I had to start it peeling off on one corner.
     
    So next was the Fire Fighter cart, whose minty label was peeling off. Turns out that all I had to do was heat it up and the original glue stuck it down again.
     
    Looks like I've got what it takes to fix dead games. I've worked my magic on a 7800 Ms PAc Man cart that was shattered during shipping, and I've also repaired PSP games with destroyed shells. The new shells even still have the UMD sticker in the middle! (this reminds me that I need to transfer the sticker from my sratched beyond repair ATV OffRoad FUry game to my GTA:LCS game...) I've also brought dead CD games back to life. I can't do a thing about CD rot...yet, but give me time and I'll have that one licked, too.
     
    My previous hardware projects were fixing the Power and Reset switches in my 7800. I have to do the Puase and Select switches now. The fix I used does not require replacement parts--I work directly with the switches that are there. Also, I did some work on my Heavy Sixer. Other than that, I also worked on a truck.
  17. shadow460

    job transfer

    By shadow460,

    I guess I probably blog more when I'm stressed. I was told today that my job in Norman would be ending soon, and the person who will fill it is going to be working a week from Monday. The company has made arrangements for me to transfer to a different facility. I've been to the different facility and met some of the people there. Still, though, the people I'm working with now are the ones I've gotten to know and got used to seeing every day. It's not just the employees, either. The residents make the place unique, and I will probably miss them more than I miss the employees.
    Some of the residents have moved away. They have gone home after staying with Grace and getting healthy enough to live on their own. Others, well ... didn't make it. They have passed on. I was not close to very many of them, but I was close to a couple who went home. I did have some interaction with some of the ones who are no longer with us while they were still at Grace.
    Now it seems like all of that is being yanked away. Ya know, I was told that this job could really get to you, could really push your emotions, and I knew that leadership of any form could be tougher than a normal position. I have a good reputation within the company I work for, and the administrators I have met and the people who are above me want me to stay with Grace. I'm fine with that. But how do you deal with losing 160 friends at once!?
     
    The person I filled in for was on deployment. I'm glad he's safe. If anything had happened to him, I'd have probably quit the position. I've met him and worked with him before, and he's a great guy.
     
    Then there's the fact that everything's gonna be different, too. I won't know just instinctively where, say, the fire panel or the hot water tank is, won't have the things at hand that I'm used to (it'll all be different)... it's like playing your favorite game on a different console, ya know?
     
    I dunno what bugs me worse...having to learn a new facility or knowing I probably won't see the friends I've made in Norman again. I might see 'em at their funerals, but that ain't what matters. I ain't trying to remember them by seeing them at a funeral! Right now they've all got life left in them and I don't ever want to forget them--I don't want that to be stained by death!
     
    Ya know, money ain't what it's about, either. You can't buy or sell friends. My friends are worth more than the $1.25 extra I'll be making.
    I wouldn't be surprised if I do have a good future with Grace. With that is going to come the times I have to explain to a family that their loved one is gone. It's going to come with times when I have to transfer to yet another place, and another, and another... and go through the associated emotions all over again. I'll never be able to get used to it, but the one thing I know is that when it gets the best of me, I can come home and cry all I want to about it and nobody will think less of me. Men aren't immune to tears, either. I wonder what our male CNAs go through when they lose a favorite resident or two ... or three. I know it's gotta catch 'em all off guard sometimes...someone doesn't make it through the night and they gotta try desperately to revive the person they've bonded with.
    Ya know, I kinda started bonding with one of the more well known residents, then one day the crash wagon was gone and they told me later what happened... I wonder how many employees went home and cried that night.
     
    I guess as long as I can have my time to release emotions I will be fine in the medical field. Maybe this helps explain why my ex wife, a CNA herself, seemed to have something bothering her sometimes. I wonder if my current wife is surprised when I come home stressed about a certain resident. It's not like they didn't warn me it would happen--we were told up front that it can be very hard on the emotions.
  18. shadow460
    Love my apartment managers, love em!
     
    A week ago Friday I woke up to find my bathroom sink full of water. Joy, I get to plunge it when I get home. I went to work, hoping for the best. When I came home, the water had drained and it seemed that I'd be able to plunge it at my leisure. I went to pick up my wife from her job, and when we came home, the sink was so full that it covered the overflow ports and water was sitting an inch from the top. This is a Bad Thing, since mine and my next door neighbor's bathroom sinks drain into a common line. I called the emergency maintenance person and waited for close to an hour. Nothing. I unscrewed the pipes and put a plug into the line to keep the water from rising in my own sink. Next I went to Wal*Mart to buy a snake which would clean the drains out.
     
    The pipes are mostly metal, and plastic pipes have been used to replace the metal pipes where they have rusted through. When oxygen hits a metal pipe, it starts the rusting process. When water hits the weakened pipe, it accelerates the rusting process. Now what this means is that with the water sitting in my sink drain on that metal pipe, it rusted right through the side of the pipe. That's why the water level was going down...the water was leaking out of the drain and down the wall. Further, the standpipe that goes to the roof also connects to the junction between mine and my neighbor's drains, and it has no cover on it. Simply not using the faucets doesn't stop the leaking--rain can get into the standpipe and fill up our sinks.
     
    The emergency maintenance guy finally arrives while I'm at Wal*Mart. He brings a couple pairs of pliers and that's it. I told his answering service he would need a snake, but he didn't bring one. He takes the pipes apart and finds my plug, then tells me and my wife that this is what plugged up the drain. No duh, dude, it kept the water out of my sink, too. NBow you need a snake to unclog the drain. He also pointed out the cracked pipes under my sink. We placed a bucket under them and he told me that he had a replacement pipe at another property (a lie--he only works at one property) and he'd be back to fix it the next day. He comes back the next day and says he doesn't have the part here, but he'll get it Monday and come fix my drain (another lie).
     
    I checked the sink every day last week, and the pipes were still leaking. I wondered if they'd had trouble getting in since I had replaced my deadbolt, but no, I left that unlocked and locked the knob on my door, which I left them a key to last year. I called the office on Wednesday, and the manager told me that they had discussed my drain that very morning (probably a lie) but they didn't have keys to my apartment. I told her that their key would unlock the knob, and they could open the door that way. Still nothing. I woke up yesterday to a flood in my bathroom, and called the maintenance person again. He said that I needed to tell the next door neighbor not to use his sink and I needed to stop using mine. Well, that's obvious, but it's just habit that I wash up in the bathroom sink after I sit on the best seat in the house. Still, I used the tub to wash up as much as possible all of last week. Aside from that, it's not my job to go and tell my neighbors what to do. I vacuumed up the water and dumped the bucket.
    The conversation went like this:
    "Did you call me?"
    "Yes, my bathroom is flooded"
    "You need to stop using your sink, I'll fix it Monday"
    "It's just habit, and the neighbor is using his"
    "Go tell him to stop"
    "OK, when can you have the sink fixed?"
    "I get the material Monday"
    "You told me that last week and when I worked here it didn't take eight day to get materials"
    "We don't have key to your apartment"
    "Yes, you do. The pest control guys have been in here recently. I could smell the pesticide. Your key open the bottom knob, which is the only thing that's locked. I left you that key on my last day that I worked the complex"
    "I look in office and don't find any key"
    "OK, I'll make you one"
    "I don't have material but I get it Monday"
    "OK, we'll try to hold out til then"
     
    Today I wake up to a flooded bathroom and soaked carpet in my hallway. I can hear the water going full blast next door, and it's going everywhere. I'd had enough. I called the emergency line and hollered into the phone for a few seconds, then erased that message and recorded a civil one for the maintenance man to hear. I did not wait for him to call me back. My wife went next door, but the guy there wasn't home. I went to the Home Depot and bought drain parts and a new deadbolt which has a quick re keying device that I can match to the office keys.
    In the drain, there's the typical stuff, you know, grate, vertical pipe, trap, rubber boot, waste pipe going into wall, etc. There's also stuff you usually don't see, but is always there, the standpipe, a junction, and a main drain line. Of course, the standpipe comes out on the roof. It's there so you can snake the main line and unclog it if need be.
    I took everything apart first, then cut the copper waste line that goes into the wall. I had to cut out about 12 in square of sheetrock to get to the waste line. I pushed the boot back over the remaining cracked area, closed up the drain, and turned on the water. Water sprays out from the bottom of the sink and from the wall. Looks like I missed with the boot, and the SOB maintenance man had pulled my drain loose from the sink! So I cracked open the drain and water came out of it forever. I pushed the boot further back and tightened up the drain grate. I closed it all up again and turned on the water. This time it held fast, but the water level began rising. Even after I handed him a brand new snake that SOB didn't snake the line, but he told me he did! Why is my snake still shiny silver if he used it!? When I got done it was covered in the blackest, nastiest stuff I've ever seen.
     
    Now here's the kicker: I used the exact same parts when I put the drain together that I had taken off of it. Yet he's telling me he needs "the materials" to fix it. I interpret this as either laziness or incompetence, probably a little bit of both. I snaked the drain, it took like three tries. The thing was so clogged that it nearly jammed my snake line in the drain pipe.
     
    Saturday evening was really when I'd had enough. That's when I sent messages to the Oklahoma Housing Authority, the Housing Finance Authority, the Oklahoma County Attorney General, the BBB, and the landlord's main office. Hey, calling the BBB and the attorney General helped with my wireless carrier, so why the heck not call 'em?
     
    In the end, I did get the drain line fixed. I also installed the new deadbolt on my door. I'm going to call the office tomorrow and ask if they'd like to inspect my work (I do this kind of work for a living, so I know it is good). If so, I'll call out from my job tomorrow and wait for them. If not, I'm going to key the deadbolt to my own key and lock it to keep them from coming in and messing up my drain line.
     
    Wonder why I have a high security lockset? We're surrounded by drug dealers, prostitutes, gangs, and violence. During three months last summer I saw two doors kicked in. One had been kicked so hard that the hinges broke out of the frame. When I got fired from my job here, they tried to evict me without cause. I changed my lockset to something I knew would resist the lock breaking methods their maintenance people had bee taught. I got a lockset that I can re key in about a minute, and I kept the only keys to it. Later I re keyed the knob to work with the key I left in the office on my last day, but the deadbolt could not be re keyed. I got one tonight that I can re key at will.
     
    One other thing, though: when the manager and the maintenance man are both Mexican in an area that has a high rate of illegal aliens, how do I know that they aren't illegal aliens themselves and that they didn't lie to get a job with the complex? If they'd break the law twice already, what's to keep them from stealing things from me when they come in? Better to keep them locked out and risk an eviction, IMO.
     
    so I've spent half the day fixing something that my landlord was supposed to fix. As soon as we have a place picked out to move to, we are going to break our lease here. And no, we are NOT going to pay any kind of early termination fees of any kind. I'm taking my lockset with me, and whether or not I put the old one back on depends on how tired or lazy I am that day. I may also undo the repairs I did to the drain and make them fix it right. I'd have left it alone, but I don't wanna live in a flooded apartment.
  19. shadow460

    111

    By shadow460,

    What a world. Sometimes I wonder how a person can look so well on the outside and feel so awful inside. Maybe it's just another depressive state.
     
    I've moved around most of my life, and settling down is hard to get used to. Every few years I've been torn up from my roots, and I've had to forge new relationships. It hurts to let the old ones go. I try to stay in touch by phone, but eventually that falls through. It's bad enough having to move on to a new life and leave friends behind. People come and people go, but what happens when a best friend turns against you? How much damage can that cause? How much can one person destroy the relationship between mutual friends for a third party?
     
    I've changed a lot in the last ten years. I'm doing some of the things now that I did eight or nine years ago. I go to the flea market. I enjoy the same games, but they are classic now. I sit in front of a DVD, and soon I will be hitting the theme parks again. I go out the same days that I used to.
    Now I'm hunting up the same friends. I just wonder how it is a couple of folks can click as friends. I wonder what it means sometimes, and why best friends can become so important to a person.
    I have "lifeline friends" that mean a lot to me. I can trust them with nearly anything, and they won't bite me in the butt with it. In my lifetime, many of those friendships have faded, and one was purposely destroyed.
    Maybe it's memories. I've been triggering memories of my past a lot recently as my game collection swells to include what it used to, and my hobbies move toward the same ones I used to have. I spent a lot of time in Hampton Roads, and part of me wants to move back. On second thought, though, maybe if I move cross country, I should go to San Diego instead. It's my favorite city, and I could skirt around the very painful stuff that I may find in HR.
    Sometimes I wonder if I don't dig myself deeper, though. I wonder if I should just drop everything and everyone from the past and move along. Taking that to the very extreme would mean dropping everyone from the day of my birth up to the day that decision is made. It would mean breaking contact with everyone I know now, and include closing my account here, too. I don't think I'm capable of such a decision, but perhaps a date at some point in the past could be chosen as the cutoff, say, a date that was a few years ago.
     
    I want stability, and I want to be able to forge friendships that aren't going to fall apart within five years. It's not just one thing I am worried about, it's a number of things:
    I hope my old friends will recognize me now. As Linkin Park says "Things aren't the way they were before. You wouldn't even recognize me anymore. Not that cha knew me back then but it all comes back to me in the end." I got a letter from my lawyer today, and I need to re-examine a few things. Even if they aren't going to change, I want to make sure they are set up correctly. I know the first time I step foot in Frontier City, it's going to bring back memories of Busch Gardens Williamsburg, and I will probably come home in tears, hurting from the loss again. Don't get me wrong, I'll enjoy the day, but I wonder if maybe that's why I haven't put forth more effort to get the season tickets. I'm not going to let such a thing bar me from the park totally (I've been to two of the sister parks, Elitch's and White Water Bay both since my ex wife left).
     
    May 2002:
    I set foot into the gate, wondering what Elitch's held in store for me. I had seen the ads and I was curious. I rode all the coasters save for the inverted one that they hadn't finished yet. I sat down alone and ate dinner, then rode the giant drop ride again. It was fun, but the whole day I felt this emptiness. I realized that in a crowd I was totally alone.
     
    It's just not the same anymore, though. Even with my second wife and her curiosity toward things, it's just not the same. It is difficult adjusting to her sometimes. It's not as frustrating as you might think, it just takes patience and effort. What I can't understand is why I am still unable to completely unlearn the habits I developed in three years of marriage, especially since it's been twice that long since that marriage fell apart. For the last four years I have known my current wife, and I wonder how it is that even over that time, I still could not unlearn some things. Maybe what I'm trying to change goes deeper than just a few years of my life--maybe it has been with me all along.
     
    I feel like I'm trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I can't trim down the peg to fit, so I have to reshape the hole instead. My life is the hole, and the peg is...
     
    I'll be fine after a while. Such is my life, going up and down like the rides in a theme park. I have slowly put it back together after a series of events wrecked it in 2002, and again in 2004. It is very important to remember that this is not the result of any one person's actions. The only common denominator throughout that time frame is me. That's right, just me alone.
     
    I'm probably trippin' over nuthin'. But if there's anything going on with my ex that doesn't affect me or my daughter, I really don't want to know about it. It hurts too much, even now.
  20. shadow460
    Hey, it's my blog and it's more personal than what's on the forum itself. If you can't handle that, proceed with caution. If you don't like my blog, then don't read it.
     
    hot off the heels of slogging through old pictures of the home my ex and I had, there's a thread about kids around here.
     
    Yesterday I went through an old archive that contained family pictures from my first marriage. There are perhaps 200 photos, and sadly the disc they had been on got corrupted. Saving the photos meant checking each one and adding the proper file names to them.
    I have a lot of good memories from my first marriage. Sometimes, though, it is too much when I go back through them and I realize that in the end everything was shattered. I finished restoring the photos.
     
    I'd rather that the family didn't split up. Aside from that, what I posted in the general forum is honesty. Would I be better off lying to her and saying I knew exactly what I was doing when she was concieved? Or do I tell her the truth saying I love her to death even though a lot of stuff went on that I would rather not have gone through?
     
    My reasons for being fixed are not related to anything my child has done--it's related to the pure **** my ex wife put me through before conception. If I'd known what would happen throughout 1999 and 2000, I'd have got fixed before I ever got married. Every single day my ex pushed having kids. every single day. OK, it was probably once a week, maybe twice or three times, but it was a subject that came up way too many times. I got sick of it, and let her know, gently at first. After about a year I had enough and said this: "If you bring up children one more time before we get home, I'm going in tomorrow and set up my vasectomy." In the end, this is the reason I decided for the surgery anyway. Should I feel guilty about all the brothers or sisters my daughter doesn't have? No more than anyone else who's decided to stop at one kid.
     
    Perhaps she might have been born to parents that had a solid marriage. I'm not saying I'd not want to have her around, I'm just wondering out loud how much harder on her it is now that her parents are split. There's not one thing I can think of in regards to a child that's worse than bringing them into an unstable family. If you're not stable--if there's any doubt whatsoever about your marriage (or if you aren't married to begin with), you have no business having a child at all. If that ruffles anyone's feathers, I frankly don't care because it is what I see as the truth. Think of it, would you rather have been born to a family full of fighting without a stable home, or did you take for granted the fact you had Mommy and Daddy both to raise you? That's where I goofed yet again in regards to that marriage, and my little girl gets to pay the price of it. I'm seeing it go on again with another family member--only this time it is worse.
     
    I was raised without Mom. And you know, I kinda resent her a little for not taking better care of herself in hopes she'd still be alive to raise us kids. Instead my grandmother halfway attempted to fill in for Mom, and the results were not pretty. There was physical and verbal abuse, along with a good dose of hatred that it took me years to forgive. Honestly, I wish Mom could have seen this before she died.
     
    I love my daughter, don't get me wrong, but I so wish that she had a better chance with a good family instead of being born to two people who just could not make marriage work. I wish she'd never had to endure the fights that were so loud that they could be heard three doors down. I wish she'd never been trapped with two adults who were at each others' throats, and she was screaming so loud because of it that her voice finally faded out.
    Ideally, that means being born to parents who will not split. Not so ideally, hopefully she will forget the hardest parts of her childhood. Even less ideally, well, I question whether the average person is emotionally capable of hearing any other options. Let me ask, though, would you rather one, not conceive a child at all, or two, go ahead and conceive knowing that said child will go through **** for the first (insert amount of time) of their life?
     
    One thing I just do not understand is this:
    Any time there is any hint whatsoever that a person does not want a child to be alive, people get their panties in a bunch and literally scream that the person should not say such things, or they say the person does not really love their child. It doesn't seem to matter if the person who said anything really means they want their child gone, or if what they meant couldn't be any further from having a child gone.
    Now go up to "I love my daughter, don't get me wrong..." and read that paragraph again. There is not one single part that says anything about not loving my child or not wanting her to be alive. NOT ONE. Don't go thinking that "it sounds like" or "it might mean" anything. It's black and white, it's very clear, and it means exactly what it says, no more and no less.
    I grow tired of hearing people say "what if your child hears that" or "that's not something a person who loves their child would say." Maybe I'm just different. What I will tell you is that "If I had it to do over again, I would never have kids" does NOT mean "I don't love my child."
     
    I'm not sure what's in this post can really describe what I went through back then or how I feel about it now. I guess I have to make the comparison to having a friendly chat here about something to having one about the same thing in real life, and remind myself that the disagreements here are no different than those in real life.
  21. shadow460
    Hey, ricky29, I know this is a public blog, but it's that way because it has a stronger effect for me than if it were private. I am hurting right now, and I need to vent some things out that would probably sting you pretty badly. If you read this, please take it all with a grain of salt due to how I'm feeling as I write it out.
     
    A large source of aggravation has been lifted from my life--and that's the opposite schedules my wife and I had. Changing shifts after two years is taking its toll on her--she seems as if she's fought a small war. Yesterday I was extremely angry that she just came home and grabbed up my PSP right away, then flopped on the bed when I asked for it back. She said not one cross word to me, performed not a single rude action. She was dead tired and I suppose that the allure of GTA was enough to keep her awake for a few minutes longer. We had promised each other we would clean house yesterday, but we just let it slide. It wasn't worth an argument, so I decided not to start one. The house is cleaner, as we both did what we could. She helped with laundry in the end.
    Hang on, I'm going to steal her grape soda while she's at work...
     
    I have three job interviews in the next two days, and I'm sick of not having a job. I made out the monthly budget for this month with my unemployment and what we have saved. I have rough estimates of her new paychecks that show where they can cover non vital stuff. However, not knowing what I'm going to be making at my next job prevents me from drafting a tentative budget we can stick to. I'm a plasma donor, and it's something that I can do a couple of nights a week if my wife decides she wants to wait tables.
     
    Herein lies my problem, though. Although much of my emotional problems have settled down, I am left to clean up the mess created by a couple of folks' actions. It's one of those things where people have to realize they're never going to agree on what actually happened, so I'm not going to mention names.
    I have to have a doctor's signature on a release form to continue those plasma donations. In addition to making medicine, they also pad my wallet. Thinking about who did what really does still hurt me a lot. Save the life, no matter what the cost. What happens when something sacred is ripped away from you and you live to tell about it? What happens when your life shatters and the only thing left is you? When something goes horribly wrong inside you at the worst possible moment, something that should destroy you, and people try only to prevent the destruction? They don't try to fix the problem--they just stop the destruction and leave you to suffer. If your dog gets deathly sick, you're probably going to consider euthanasia. Put him to sleep and he won't have to suffer any more. Some people have made that choice for themselves, however, it's generally not the thing to do.
    This leaves us with one choice--fix the f'ing problems!! If you're going to stick your nose into a suicidal person's life, why not become friends with them and see how you can help them to feel like something more than toxic waste again!? How about keeping them company instead of turning complete strangers loose on them?
     
    When does a married person draw the line? When does he or she decide that the hurt involved is too great for either themselves or their spouse and say "I messed up when I made that promise, and I can't uphold it any more."? How much does their health have to degrade? How angry or sad do they have to get?
    How does the spouse live with someone who has acknowledged from the very outset that (despite what most Christians tell you) marriage is, in fact, nowhere near permanent at all? Don't get me wrong, I'll fight hard to save it. But will that fight ever become vain? If there's no possible good outcome, then what is the point of fighting to save a marriage?
    I look at the damage done to my life in the last three months, and I wonder if that damage was worth the decisions I made. I had a feeling twice that I was making a mistake when I made a big decision. For the time being, I choose to live with the consequences of those decisions. The jury's still out on both as to whether they were actually bad or not.
    My wife asked me the other day "Was getting married worth it?" I honestly don't know. We are still great friends. The only things that have changed are that we live together and we have sex. Never once did we have to glare at each other because we were hurting so badly. We didn't yell at each other, or push each other around. That is, none of that happened until we got married.
    If I'm lonely, I can go hang out with friends. If I want noise and activity in my home, I can either get a dog or turn the television on. That's a whole lot easier than what I've been through for the last three months. As for sex, well, dirty magazines are cheaper than losing my job over a marriage.
    Now how does that make getting married "worth it?" Why not have me alienate ALL my friends while we're at it, and maybe get my family to disown me, too?
     
    Someday I will ask my ex wife again where she drew the line with me.
     
    I don't care to hurt with the pain of divorce ever again, though, and maybe there's a shred remaining of that great friendship ricky29 and I had. I can't just throw that away.
     
    No, I don't miss my mommy, either, for those that think I'm broke because she died when I was a young boy. Actually, I'm still kind of ticked at her that she wouldn't bust my butt more often.
    I'm in that mood of stinging everyone I know again--my recent posts show it.
     
    I gotta get some sleep. I was up all night last night. Leave me alone.
  22. shadow460

    not the day I expected

    By shadow460,

    I had another interview today and it was a complete disaster. On the other hand, though, my wife is about to earn a promotion! This changes her hours, she'll be working 9 to 5 with it and maybe some evenings. She is going to be a manager where she works. I'm all for this, actually.
     
    I grabbed a Harvest Moon 64 today for $20. I'll head to DP today and see if I paid too much. I also got served by my neighbor at the A&W drive thru, and she added extra shrimp. I feel bad since I didn't recognize her right off. ricky29 and I will have to go visit the place more often now that I know our neighbor works there. Even if we just get the chance to say hello, it's all good.
     
    On the darker side, I was up all night with the common cold and some weird other problems I've been having. I think the other half of what kept me up was stress. I tried some deep breathing and it helped. I was out like a light finally at about 7 AM this morning, but I was supposed to be up at 9. I didn't make it, so I resceduled the job interview for later this afternoon--and I was still late due to traffic!
     
    Oh, well. Time to order some home brews soon, I suppose. And to mail off a gift card.
     
    Shrimp...yummy...lol, my neighbor's husband works for a water company. It was little surprise that a 2.5 gallon jug of water showed up on our doorstep one day!
  23. shadow460

    Quiet day?

    By shadow460,

    Not a lot to say today, really. I had a job interview, and the interviewer seemed more interested in me than in my past. I am glad that happened for once. He just asked me to write in "see attatched resume" in the work history, and the resume is pretty comprehensive.
     
    For those who don't know already, I lost one job due to a cover up within the company. They wanted me to hide some damage to an apartment from the state housing inspector, which I did. I told the inspector everything when I saw him the next day, and I filed two complaints on the company. They're paying my unemployment now as a result of the firing.
    I also lost a second job due to attendance. This was affected by the loss of my stepmother, getting sick twice, and stress from getting married. I simply missed too much work, so I can see that company's position.
     
    I quit a job of two years before all this, feeling that I had done what was needed of me and that I just was not a match for that company anymore. I remained friends with my boss there. He's fully staffed right now, otherwise I'd talk to him about going back.
     
    Anyway, I may try that "see attatched resume" line in the future. It leaves out the negative stuff, which I will speak openly of if asked. It also leaves my former boss available as a work resume.
    Ricky29 works with one of my former tenants, whom I saw last Saturday. I'm going to send the wife to work with a couple of notes written down and ask her co-worker for a letter of reference. I'm also going to ask three residents around here for them. One of my neighbors greeted me while I was moving in. I stuck my neck out for him when he had electrical problems that even I couldn't solve (later I learned how from my dad). That's one letter, another resident had AC problems last year and I stepped in on that. She noticed how the grounds were cleaner when I worked this property, too. I'm going to ask for a letter from her. The last set of residents had plumbing issues that I got solved almost on the spot. That's one more reference. I dunno if they moved yet, though, because I haven't seen their calico cat around recently. Four letters of reference should go a long way toward landing a job despite the negativity.
     
    I've caught whatever was making my wife sick, too. My throat hurts like nobody's business, but I can work with that one heck of a lot easier than I can work with emotional trouble. Nine times out of ten, when I miss work it's due to emotional problems, and nine times out of ten when I have physical illness, I work full time right through it.
     
    We're going to marital counseling Friday, and this is the first real session from what I'm told. We're going to handle it as though I'm a normal person, not some "he's mentally sick 'cause his mommy died" person. I prefer to be treated normally, not handled like fine china. Give it to me just like how it is, and I'll handle it, or I'll tell you when it's too much.
    I'm kin of afraid, though. Ricky29's job is about gone (she is lucky to still have it), and one more absence could cost her the thing. If Friday's session goes is hard on us, we both could have a lot more problems to worry about than jobs. I've still asked her to quit the evening shift once I've become stable in a day shift job. I expect that to be a fight, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Today's troubles are sufficient for today, pure and simple.
     
    At least we get to spend time together after her work is done every day. Things could be worse--we could be separated by distance where we don't see each other at all. Still, being somewhat separated by time is aggravating, because I always wonder just how little (or how much) effort is required to remove the separation.
     
    Look for an emotionally charged entry tomorrow. Usually I have more trouble being alone than I do when I'm not alone. Hopefully it will be a good day. I gotta go to Norman tomorrow, so I'll probably hit a couple stores on the way back and maybe have some finds in the wild.
  24. shadow460
    OK, I know this is a classic gaming forum, but these blogs are provided for the members to discuss anything, right? I'm doing just that, so if you don't like me spilling my guts, then don't read this!
     
    "God can heal that little boy who lost his mother at an early age. God can also heal that grown man who has a daughter he doesn't get to see grow up."
     
    This was spoken to me today.
     
    My actions cost ricky29 her job yesterday. I feel worse than a stack of ET cartridges over that. We have no jobs, but there is a little bit of income right now.
    Both of us have hurt each other deeply. I can't imagine what I've done is very popular with her, and I've felt pretty bad about what's been happening recently.
     
    Many people think I am mentally sick. They do not think that to be judgemental (and I hope my readers won't judge me, either). Look at the first sentence in this entry to see why. They think I have problems from losing my mother and not seeing my daughter (I won't get into why right now). I have dealt with these problems for years. I had trouble with them in 1998 for the first time when I went to the hospital. I had emotional trouble over a failed relationship that summer, and a couple of people were forcing me to make decisions regarding that. I fought with the same problems for several months, and during that time I moved to a place that was in the middle of nowhere. I was given some anti-depressant medication to help cope, but it didn't work. A few days after moving, I cut my wrist open. I moved again, this time to a large city in a different state. This occurred in November of 1998.
    Through the whole time, one online friend stood out among nearly everyone I knew. She was there when I needed an eye to read the thoughts I typed in. She became an ear when I needed to call someone. We grew somewhat close and we got married. There was a rough spot in the courtship due to the physical distance that separated us. Once again, I was taken to the hospital and given medication, but it was different this time. I had the stuff present at the hospital to take my own life, and I considered it. I considered it again after I was released, but eventually decided against making the attempt.
    We had a marriage, we had a daughter, and then the marriage fell apart in 2001. We stayed together in it until April of 2002, and it ended abruptly. The divorce was finalized later that year.
    It took two years and seven months to get over that loss. It might actually have taken longer, and I know I still carry emotional scars from it. My life went through many changes in that time. I made friends in the local band scene, and I even managed my own band for a few months. We produced our own CD and we did some live performances in Oklahoma City. One of the friends I had made then invited me to church, and that's when I met the roommate I mentioned a couple of entries up. We decided that we both needed jobs, and went to a telemarketing firm in April of 2004. Life was rather difficult at the time between money issues and domestic issues with roommates. During that time, I picked up another lifeline. We met at that telemarketing job, and didn't really get along until a few weeks later. That same roommate invited her over for lunch with a group of friends. That lifeline is ricky29, whom you all know I got married to recently.
    A few days after the marriage, I realized that it wasn't going to be what I thought it would be. I broke down and cried so hard the neighbors had to have heard it. I was taken to the hospital and given medication. Almost three weeks after I took the first pill, I cut my left wrist again. I was taken back to the hospital and three days later I was taken completely off of all medications. I have no time at all when I wanted to cut again, and I assume that's what made me want to in the first place.
     
    I mentioned all this to say that I do not believe for one single minute that anything is mentally wrong with me. I may have some quirks, but that is all. I will not allow a doctor to risk my life or my livelihood by guessing which medicine I should take.
     
    I also didn't get married just to be dependent on someone. Well, I wanted to depend on her for the love she could provide, but I didn't want to totally depend on her for everything!
     
    So now we have enough money to last a couple of months. That's probably enough time for one of us to find a job. If she gets one, I'm afraid we'll be in the same situation we were yesterday. I will not take that course of action again--it is too painful. I'll take the other choice, which is equally painful but will send us separate ways so that I don't hurt her anymore. I don't want to bail out, either, so toward that end, I'm praying we will never be in that situation again.
    If I find one first, well, that would be awesome, but I'm afraid of the difficulty I will face in finding a job.
     
    For a while there, my love for my wife faded completely out. It's back in full force. I'm afraid of how badly I can be hurt through that love. I'm already hurting as it is. I do not want to break up, but it is taking everything I have to keep that from happening.
    I do not want to lose my best friend, and I feel like I threw the friendship away just to get married to her. I've slept for the last 24 hours almost straight through. We went to church today, and that's about the only time I've been awake. Last night when it was bedtime, I wasn't tired but my head was hurting. I took some Tylenol PM and was blissfully out within the hour. I thought of taking it this afternoon, but my head didn't hurt until a few minutes ago and I realize sleep isn't the way to solve this.
     
    I have to have hope to cling to, and I cannot find it right now. Given a few hours or a few days, I think I will find some. There are two days left until the world picks its @$$ back up and gets going again, then another four days of being down and it'll pick its @$$ back up for another year. I plan to be out there fighting to find a job then.
  25. shadow460

    The next day

    By shadow460,

    My roommate is calmer today. She was evicted from the apartment this morning, and has until the 30th to leave. I have the trouble of finding a new place to live, and paying for it.
    I will not be able to pay full rent if I miss even one day of work, which happens on holidays. Big fun, I just love it. So I'm left with the option of spending less on food, which is possible, but a little depressing since I like to go out a bit. I'll live without it, and probably I'll live on ramen or (more likely) the Banquet prepacked meals from the store.
     
    My friend, Ranger (screen name), came to my house today to witness me handing the eviction notice over to my roommate. The roommate, Wolf, made one smart remark and then Ranger and I turned and left. We went to church together, along with a mutual friend's two sons. The boys behaved awesome, but they are trying my limits a little (I don't mind that, but I will enforce limits with them). Their mom is tore up really bad emotionally, and I've went through something similar four years ago. Now I'm also without much money at all, and I will be asking for her advice on how to save even more out of my wrung tight budget.
    I told my coworker, pintobeene, about the female neighbor that I'd been talking to. Pintobeene asked me if she was hot. I said yes
    Poor neighbor thinks she's ugly, but she's not ugly, and I am not looking at her body. I will not diss her or her kids that way. Plus, my values are such that I won't check out a woman just because she is pretty.
     
    On with the blog, though. I feel like God still wants me to lead worship in church. I've been leading evening worship in a small church in south OKC. God showed me today that it isn't at all difficult to get a ride to church with someone. However, Ranger's pastor is very cautious about taking in people who have supposedly been hurt in other churches. That's to be expected. I can't carry any type of sin or wrongdoind onto that stage to lead any amount of people into worship--it'll mess up the worship and lead them astray. And I don't want to be responsible for that. (Hence God teaching me to not look at a woman with lust.)
    I told my pastor that I might not be able to attend the church anymore, due to the distance involved and the fact I have to pinch every single penny I have for the next few months. I can't afford to drive across town, but perhaps I could get a ride with someone on Sundays and just use the church's piano to lead music with (eliminates hauling an amp). I am thinking seriously about carpooling with someone. Ranger's church uses buses instead, and his pastor is a complete trip.
    Anyway, I have not felt like I should lead worship at all due to the amount of stress I've been subjected to. God is telling me to lead now, while I'm broken, and let others see what being broken before God is all about. I told Him no. He kept asking. I feel like God really wants a broken worship leader in front of the church.
    Ranger's pastor is looking for a worship leader, too. I told Ranger that this was not my time to lead their worship services. I may be wrong.
    I played my keyboard a little bit, and God, as usual, spoke to me through the music. I do not accept compassion well. It causes me to cry when someone pulls me up out of my troubles. I am generally in tears due to my problems, but the tears are light and there aren't many. However, when someone lifts me up and tells me that I'm an asset, I cry very hard at that point. I also cry the hardest whenever I finally see the solution to my troubles. Usually that's when I know everything is going to be fine, and I just cut loose.
    I'm a man. Not as big as Ranger (he's six two and 250 plus), but still I'm not small. I grow a beard, I have a gob of chest hair, and I turn a wrench for a living. I drive a Ford truck, like many other men.
    And I'm not afraid to admit that I cry sometimes. The video "Independence Day" makes me cry a river. Still, after it's been this many years since the first time I saw it.
     
    I'm stepping out on faith. I have very few fallbacks in the world. I have to completely and totally trust God that I will survive.
    I'm going to ask my boss for a raise soon. I need the extra money. I'm also going to try for more hours, so that I can get a guaranteed 40, and still be able to take off up to four hours during the week. That'll ensure I bring home a little extra cash, and I can save some back up. Wolf said she was gonna give me some cash to pay off utility bills this month, so that will help out some. I don't expect to ever see that money, but maybe she will follow through.
    I'm also thinking about staying with Ranger and his wife for a few weeks (I gotta sign onto their lease, though). They've got an extra bedroom, and I could get some cash together. My other option is to rent here alone--very risky financially.
    I need to root myself into a good church home. The last time I switched, it tore my life up.
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